New chapters

Honestly, there is rarely a time when I experience writer's block. Normally, I have a lot to say and it is natural for me to put into words what I feel in my heart. But as I try to encompass in my mind what this past year has been like, I am at a loss. There is so much there, yet so... little. It seems as though no time has passed, yet it also seems like 2014 has lasted for centuries. I look back on all the ways I have grown and see much improvement, yet still so much to be conquered in myself. I find myself glad that this year is coming to an end, and I'm ready to begin a new chapter of life.

Isn't that how it is at the start of a new year? Everyone is ready and willing to begin again and put their best foot forward to make the coming year better than the last one. For the past five years at least, that's been my goal: To have the best year of my life.

But this year is different because I'm looking at all my experiences throughout the year and wondering what defines "best"? Did I have more fun this year than ever before? No. I really didn't. In fact, my social life kind-of stunk. Did I end the year being in just as good of shape and looking just as good as the beginning of the year? Nada. Zero. In fact, it's the opposite. I started out the year playing two sports and working out in the gym, and now, I'm... well, not doing any of those things :) Did I have life-changing experiences? Kind-of. I mean I go to prom, Stuebenville, and on road trips every year. There's nothing really different about life, (MINUS having my nephew being born- the one and only exception to absolutely, wonderfully life-changing :)

So as I look back over the year, I am asking myself, "Did I have the best year ever?" Before, I would've thought that if I could count more exciting experiences that happened this year than the year before, it was a better year this year. But now, I'm thinking, "Why does having more excitement and more fun and more everything make something better?"

The truth of the matter is that 2014 was a hard year for me. I had to face a lot of things in myself I didn't like. I battled depression and anxiety. I grew closer to my family throughout the year, but it wasn't without hurt and tears. My social relationships lacked.

Part of the reason the year was so hard was because I was making changes (or trying to). I was detaching from unhealthy relationships where the year before I hadn't had enough to strength to do it. I started learning how to grow up when I got a job at the beginning of September and starting paying for some of my own stuff. I was also reevaluating my attitude, my outlook on life, and so many other things. I became a more contemplative, private person in 2014. So different from the loud, crazy, wild lady who was ready to conquer the world in 2013.

Thankfully, I still have that drive in me, its just very different. I'm learning to center it, to focus it. God wants to use that passion and love for risk for His Glory. Now I am just learning that I can be quiet and listen for His direction before jumping on a wild idea and riding it to kingdom come. I'm learning to ask. And trust. And WAIT. Which is hard. Especially when you have no clue where God is taking you. Just the other day, I was starting to stress out again that I hadn't heard from the Lord about what to do after CBC, and then I thought, "Hey! Why not think of this as one of those exciting surprises you always want instead of worrying about not knowing?" Perspective is powerful- Truly, what would be so bad about not knowing? I mean, even if He didn't tell me until the day school starts next semester, He would make a way. And it might involve me jumping on a plane and flying to Timbuktu to finish my degree as a Bone Regeneration Specialist. You never know :)

Because I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing for 2015, I have no big goals. Except one: Follow where the Lord leads. That's it. That's all I got. For the life of me, I have no idea where or what that is. But one day, when everything becomes clear, I know there will be a beautiful, amazing story that will be a testament to the beauty of trusting God for all things.

I'm not going to make any sentimental statements about how I hope that 2015 is better that 2014 or make a list of things I want to accomplish. All I know is that 2014 was good for me. Was it the best year ever? I don't know. All I know is that I survived another year. I laughed, I cried, I grew, I wilted, I fell, I rose, I learned, I lost, I loved, and I lived. And what could be better than that? It may not have been the 'best' year, but it was the best for me. It was what I needed.

I hope that as you all reminisce about the year and look forward to the coming season in your life, you feel the freshness of starting a new chapter of your life journey.

Wishing you all a happy New Year full of life, love, and freedom!