Endings and Beginnings

This is my last blogpost.

I know that you haven't heard from me in almost 6 months, and you're probably shocked right now that you even heard from me again. In fact, I'm kind of shocked too, but mostly because I just verbalized that I'm officially letting go of this part of my life. 

Blogging used to be my outlet. Any time I was upset or processing or excited, this is how I shared it with the rest of the world (aka the 10 people who followed me on Google Plus :) Even though my audience was few, I felt like I was making a difference, small as it might be. I'd hoped to change the world one day with my blogging, but along the way, my blogging ended up changing me more than anyone else. I discovered some very important things about myself, and this blog was the documentation of my journey.

But bittersweet as it is, blogging is no longer a part of my journey. I am heading in a new direction and I'm leaving the old behind. A new chapter of life has started for me.

For those of you who don't know (and I would assume most of you don't, since I haven't been keeping you updated :), my life has completely changed in the last six months. I graduated high school, I graduated college (with my 2 year), and when that was over, I started preparing for the next step: Trinity Western University.

In additon to getting ready for my big move, I spent the summer acting in "The Music Man," investing in my church community, and hanging out with my family. While my summer was enjoyable, it was also very hard because I knew that these would be some of the last memories I would have at home. I was moving into a house, not a dorm, and planning on starting a new life up north, six hours away from my family. Granted, it made it easier that I was moving in with my sister, but it was (and still is) hard to say goodbye when I knew that I probably would not be moving back home again. Life as I knew it would never be the same.

At the end of August, my mom surprised me and the two kids with a week long trip to California (aka Disneyland :) as our last adventure together before I moved. That trip was THE best vacation of my life. On the last day at Disneyland, my siblings and I watched the fireworks above the Disney Castle while we held each other and bawled. The reality of saying goodbye to the Magic Kingdom reflected deeply in our hearts that night- we were saying goodbye to each other too.

Since then, everything has been a whirlwind. Within two weeks, I moved to Lynden, I started going to school in Canada, and my niece was born. After that, things just got crazier. In addition to going to school full time, I started working at the Lynden Dutch Bakery part time while also taking care of my niece and nephew part time. I also got involved in youth ministry as a Core Team member at a church in Langley (BC). All the while, I've tried (sometimes poorly :) to maintain a social life, PLUS I somehow have time for intramural volleyball, dance, and the Hallmark Channel.

Needless to say, my new life here is starting to unfold. Yes, it's been hard, sometimes unbearably so, but I know God led me here. I never in a million years would've picked this story for myself, but that's what I love about serving God. Just when I think I've got Him figured out, He throws me for a loop. And I like that in a guy :) And just in case you were wondering, Jesus is the only guy on my radar right now so don't go reading  into that :) But who knows, maybe this is the season where I find my soumate. Right now, I have no clue. I just keep taking each day as it comes, waiting and asking the Lord what the next step is.

Looking back, I see God's handprints on all of this. It's incredible. God orchastrated everything so beautifully. My trust in God has taken deep roots- I could tell story after story these past six months of how many miracles God has done for me. And I know with all my heart this is just the beginning.

I don't like goodbyes. But letting go of the past enables me to engage in the present. So goodbye, dear readers. Thank you for reading what the Lord enscribed on my heart. Though my writing for you is done (for the time being) may the Lord continue to write His Love on your heart forever.

"So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Perspective

I am slightly flabbergasted that it is May already. It seems like just yesterday people were coming over to my house for a New Year's party. The days of accidentally writing "2014" are long gone. Loooong gone. Over and done, bae.

The past month has been pretty, shall we say, hectic. Turbulent. Rocky. Bumpy. Or perhaps a better way to describe it would be getting sealed inside an old creaky rodeo barrel with no padding, seat-belts, air-bags, or saddle-horns to hold onto while getting pushed off the side of Badger mountain and meeting your fate of tumbleweeds, rattlers, and wild bison herds that are racing towards you as you tumble along (you can tell who lives in Tri-Cities, can't you :). It's like my childhood terrors of Mufasa's death came true metaphorically in my emotional life. Traumatizing.

While the above scenario may have been slightly dramatized (what can I say? I've been hanging out with the theater kids :), it really has been a rough couple weeks.

It all started right before spring break. My mom and I had literally just gotten back from visiting Trinity Western in Canada. Finals week was about to begin, and I was getting ready to gear up for my last exams before winter quarter ended.

We'd literally been home about twenty minutes when my mom got a phone call informing her that there was ambulance at her parent's house. My grandma had contracted a bacterial infection, and with her body in bad shape from her breathing difficulties, it was too much for her. She temporarily died that night. They revived her, but she had severe brain damage. They life-flighted her to Tri-Cities, where a ventilator was keeping her alive.

She was alive for five days after that.

The first time I saw her while she was in the hospital, she was having uncontrollable seizures. I wasn't expecting to get emotional, but I just cried and cried. At that point, I realized that I would never again watch her eyes light up when she ran over to give me a hug or listen to her slight southern drawl as she told me about her childhood.

I was there when they took the ventilator out. There was a whole room full of people gathered around to say goodbye to her. The doctors thought she would pass immediately, but she held on. It wasn't until she was in my grandpa's arms that she finally let go and went to be with Jesus.

The grandkids sang for the funeral. It was beautiful, everything she would've wanted. Thankfully, I had already requested spring break off work long before any of this had happened. It was total blessing because I could fully devote my time to my family and the funeral without a worry.

Well, actually, I was worried, just not about my job. Around this same time, my nephew had been having some severe health problems. My sister was breastfeeding, but because she is pregnant, her milk supply was inadequate nutrition, but my nephew wouldn't take a bottle. My sister and brother-in-law were in town for the funeral, and the night before they left, there was talk of potential IV intervention because his fluid levels were dangerously low.

They began feeding him through a syringe, and within a few days even, he was on the road back to health. Elizabeth and I went up that weekend to stay with the Vander Veens, and he was doing so much better. I took him on many walks and got to spend Easter with them, thankful for the recovery taking place before my very eyes.

Even though Caleb is eating more, he's also been teething and sick. There has been little to no sleep at the Vander Veen house for quite some time, with everything that's been going on. It's been so hard being far away from my sister, wanting to help out somehow or just be there for her.

Less than a week after that, I got word that my dear friend Gabbie Rehder was on her way to the Spokane hospital for congestive heart failure. I was distraught. I didn't even know what to pray. Again, I felt that ache to be near, to comfort her or do something, anything. I ended up going to visit her in Spokane on Divine Mercy Sunday. I was so blessed to spend an hour with her, praying, laughing, and making jokes about the nurse named "Fabio" (well, at least, that's what I named him). The same girl that surprised me for my 18th birthday was now laying a hospital bed. That's how you know a friendship is real- You can laugh together, but you can sure as heck snot cry together. And sometimes you do both at the same time.

A little while after that, I got the text during a tech rehearsal that Gabbie was waiting for a heart transplant. I had prayed that Jesus give her a new heart- I didn't know at the time that I wasn't just praying metaphorically. God took my prayer literally. I was bawling backstage when I heard the news. The people at ACT were so loving to me. There was one young man who just hugged me for what seemed like forever. I didn't even know his last name at the time, but I didn't need to know that to know that he cared.

We are still waiting and praying for news about Gabbie. She is scheduled for a Ventricular bipass pacemaker surgery, which will hopefully cancel out the need for the heart transplant. Prayers for the Rehder family would be greatly appreciated.

For me, especially the past few weeks, the hardest part about life has been that is doesn't stop. If you try to stop it, it goes on without you. I still have to do homework, go to classes, work, and attempt to keep my mess out of my family's way at home. I still have to plan for graduation, prom, summer, and next school year. I still have to deal with my stomach aches, my reproductive issues, my sleep deprivation, and my array of emotional problems. Life just keeps going.

And you know what? My mom didn't just die. My son isn't starving. I'm not in a hospital right now. 

With that perspective, I realize that life doesn't need to stop for me to get my act together. If it did, I might not ever get started again. Maybe I would just wallow in self-pity forever. It could happen.

 We all struggle. We all have bad days, bad months, sometimes even bad years. But you know what else? In the grand scheme of things, what can we say about our lives? Our testimony just becomes more powerful with every trial.

I know what I can say about Gabbie. Her courage is remarkable. Her testimony is powerful. Why? Because she was faced with unimaginable challenges and she conquered. She endured.

Lord, may each and every one of us become a living testimony to Your grace. For if we can bring others into the hope of Your eternity, every trial and pain will be given for a greater cause than can be inhibited by suffered. May we overcome through the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.

Yes, indeed. We shall overcome. 

Finish the Race

I constantly have compulsive desires to be a quitter. I'm sure you all know this, as I tend to blog about these impulses frequently. Granted, I almost always suppress these urges and finish it out, but it doesn't come without struggle and heartbreak.

Take, for instance, the Little Women play- I was fully ready to call the director and announce my resignation from the show. Thankfully, I didn't, because apparently someone else wasn't too happy about the casting choices and dropped out of the show. Because I didn't quit, I got upgraded to Rodrigo, which is still a small role, but playing the sword-fighting, man-hero who sings and has lines is better than playing a crotchety old hag who is only in one scene. My sister and I even get to sing together at one point... Yes, way, way better. Not the best, but better.

Or perhaps the time in January when I forgot it was my Saturday to work and showed up two and a half hours late to my shift?? I was ready to quit my job on the spot and never show my face in the library again. But I went back to work on Monday, lived through getting written up, and still work there today.

Or how about the fact that my mom and I have discussed me dropping out of CBC multiple times, when my stress levels were so high I couldn't function? Yet, I am now (as of yesterday!) ONE quarter away from graduating high school and receiving my AA degree. Come June, I will already have two YEARS of college behind me. Wow. Time flies. I remember the days when I thought high schoolers were ancient.

Even now, as I write this blog-post, I think about quitting. I think to myself that blogging about the mundane aspects of my life probably isn't entertaining anyone or saving lives. And I'm tempted to leave this in the draft stage, as I've done with my dozens of novels and plays and my hundreds of original songs that never make their way out of my notebook. Eventually, I will overcome my doubts and decide that being a quitter isn't something I aspire to be and post this article. Who knew blogging could be such an emotional pastime? Yet it is, because you are putting yourself, who you are, your passions and dreams into words that other people will read and ponder. And quitting sounds really good when your mouse is hanging over the "Publish" button.

The definition of quit is "to give up." Sometimes, in order to have the best results, giving up something is necessary. For example, to "quit" smoking or "give up eating sweets" or "drop out of economics because you don't understand your teacher," (okay the last one may not apply to everyone, just me) could be a healthy release into a greater plan . Sometimes "giving up" is a way to let God take control. But other times, giving up is losing sight of the purpose at the end of the hardship.

Yes, life is hard. We don't always get what we want. Sometimes, we get exactly what we don't want. But that doesn't mean that we have to quit, give up, turn the towel in. Everything happens for a reason- a lot of times, at least for me, I can't see what that reason is right away, if ever. But I have to fully trust, have faith, take courage, and believe that there is something- Someone- greater than myself who is in control and watching out for me.

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Philippians 3:13-14

Great Birthday, Great Year (Part 2)

Last post, I talked about how amazing my birthday party was, but that was only the icing on the cake. My actual birthday is another story. Seriously.

My birthday started out pretty good, aside from the fact that I had to be up early for work. I woke up to find our hallway walls decorated with balloons and baby pictures hanging everywhere. The surprise didn't end there. When I walked out the door, past my birthday sign on the porch, I saw that Mom and Becky had "cleaned" out my car (aka threw all my mess into the trunk), filled my car with balloons, written on the windows, and tied ribbons to all my doorhandles. I got a good kick out of those because they flap in the wind when I drive.

I got to work and my supervisor had make sticky buns for me! It was like a cinnamon role with maple syrup caramel gooey goodness. They were SOOO good, I had two :) She also gave me a card, signed by all my coworkers, and some bedazzling jewels to put on my phone. I no longer felt the affects of having to get up early at that point :)

When work was over, I went to my classes and basically passed out delicious chocolate chip cookies that I'd made to my French class, my teachers, and pretty much anyone that I passed in the hallways that I knew. They were pretty yummy, so I've heard :)

I had a break in between my science class and my lab, so my sister Lizzy brought us some Costa Vita food (soo good!!) and we chatted outside about Miranda Sings and law enforcement. It was extremely enjoyable, especially getting to spend some time with her, since my party unfortunately fell on her performance night.

When I was done with school for the day, my mom had told me she had a "little" surprise for me.

"Little" was an understatement.

It's no small thing when your dear friend who lives in another state makes a surprise visit on your birthday to spend your special day with you. And that's exactly what Miss Gabbie Rehder of Cottonwood did for me.

The rest of my birthday day was spent catching up and having a blast with the girl who witnessed my transformation from a girl to a woman, the one who encouraged me to be myself and reach for the stars.

My birthday with Gabbie was a great reminder of who I am. I am squirrelly. I like Mr. Bean and Tim Hawkins. I am random, like when I want to ask people if they are allergic to coconuts when I'm trying to find an excuse not to hug them. And when I'm with Gabbie, that side of me, the dorky, untamed, silly yet sincere part of me comes out. Because together, us girls can find a way to use "heartbroken" and "cotton balls" and "graffiti butt gangster" in the same sentence (don't ask). And who else could I do embarrassing things with like backing up in the drive-through with and feel justified???

As in my last post, my birthday truly reflected the kind of year I want to have. It was full of surprises and fun. Gabbie and I went and got coffee, got our nails done, laughed ourselves silly watching "Mom's Night Out," ate some delicious fries, and lost a cumulative of $1 at the lottery. And that's life. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's convenient, and sometimes you lose the stupid lottery and wonder why you aren't the lucky person who wins the 50 million dollar jackpot (The answer is, because if I would've won any money, I wouldn't have been able to stop :) God uses our experiences in ways that sometimes, we can't see on our own.

My birthday was wonderful. It wasn't what I was expecting (isn't that always how it goes?) but I wouldn't have changed a single thing (haha, not even being single. Because if I would've had a boyfriend, Gabbie and I couldn't have had our classic "woes of singlehood" conversation :)

It was a good day. I am so thankful I was born!

Check out Gabbie's blog to her take on our wild day!

http://gabberdella.blogspot.com/2015/03/surprise.html

Great Birthday, Great Year (Part 1)

"What you do for your birthday reflects what kind of a year you're going to have," my wise mentor Judith from Iowa encouraged me as I listened intently. I called her for advice because, frankly, I was dreading my 18th birthday party. It was a jungle-themed dance party, yet a few days before it happened, I wanted to call the party off. Cancel the venue, cancel the DJ, cancel any and all celebration of my birthday. The whole thing had been a nightmare to plan, especially because we had accidentally planned it on the same night as one of my sister's Twelfth Night performances. I was an emotional wreck, not even including the feelings of becoming a legal adult (YIKES) I told myself that I would get excited eventually as we got closer. And when that didn't happen, I felt like it was too much effort and not enough enjoyment to even go through with it.

"If you sit around depressed, that's the kind-of year you're going to have," Judith continued. I knew she was right. I would forever look back on my 18th birthday and feel love and fond memories, or I'd look back and feel depressed all over again that I didn't do anything special for my birthday except sit around and sulk. Yeesh. 

By the time I got off the phone with my dear friend, I was starting to feel a twinge of excitement- She gave me fun and wild ideas for my jungle bash, and for the first time, I felt like it all might work out.

Little did I know.

God works in mysterious ways. The things that you least expect to happen end up being the things you appreciate the most.

When we arrived at the church to set up, things started getting crazy. Missing keys, unlocked closets, decorations, disagreements, food, time constraints, trying to find spoons, stress, the list goes on. Thankfully, everything worked itself out. Surprisingly, everything was ready for when the guests arrived.

Except that the guests didn't arrive. At least not all of them.

We had planned for 30-50 people to come. We ended up with a total of about 25 because none of the "I'll-try-to-make-it"s or the "maybe"s ended up showing. At the time, I was feeling seriously panicked that all our hard work would end up being a flop. I shouldn't have.

My friends. I don't even know what to say about them except that they're awesome and they know how to have a good time. Half of them thought they were bad dancers (lies), but they boogied it down anyway. The people that showed up came because they wanted to celebrate me. Even though there were less people than I thought, the quality of the people there was worth far more than any number.

We had a blast, and Judith, you were right. I can already tell- My year of being 18 is going to be just the way I celebrated it :) This year may not go the way I expect it, but it'll be better than I could've ever imagined on my own.

 

[To hear about my adventures on my actual birthday, read Great Birthday, Great Year (Part 2).]

Lizzy M and me goofing off at the photo booth

My first kiss :P

Kim and me

Ready to rock the Safari

The girls

Nicole, me, Kimmie, and Lizzy

The boys

Graham, Connor, Jacob A., Ryan, Kade, Jacob M., and Jake H.

 

The group (minus some of the late people)

Top: Brandon, Mom, Graham, Sherry, Joe, Nicole, Lizzy, Ryan, Kade, Russ, Dorthy, Jacob M., Dad

Middle: Jacob A., Kim, Me, Jake H., Anne, and Becky

Bottom: Connor

We are all so wild :P

 

 

Can you spot the coconut cup in this picture??

Priceless

 

My childhood friends (They missed the group photo because they came late)

Jacob S., Devon, Eric, Me, Lizzy, and Ryan

 

The family picture :)

Dad, Brandon, Becky, Me, Mom, and Jacob

Notice how the parents are wearing tiger hats, the boys are wearing giraffe hats (figures, since they're so tall :) and the girls are the zebras. We didn't plan that, but it happened that way :)

 

The one who gave birth to me :)

 

The one who has put up with my big sister antics...

And messy room

 

The rocking DJ!!! He was amazing :)

 

 Me and my brother after our swing dance

He doesn't usually dance, but that night, he rocked out :)

 

You can't see very good, but this is a taste of what the night looked like

  Starting out the Limbo :)

My Birthday Cake

This is me attempting to blow out the candles.

See if you can spot me spitting all over the cake :)

Oh well, more for me!

 Everyone praying for me.

I'm holding a little lion in my hand that my mom gave me, reminding me who I am.

I am strong, courageous, fierce, and loyal. 

I am wild and free.

 My name even reflects that I am a kindred spirit with these powerful creatures, that even in the most dangerous situations, God is there with me.

I am a new creature in Christ. 

And if I had my choice, I'd be a lion.

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar"

Love's Spotlight

True love. I used to think true love only existed when there was a white steed and a handsome fellow involved. However, now I'm finding that "True Love" and "Happily Ever After" are not synonymous. Not in the slightest.

Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it's in the moments when you think you've been abandoned and forgotten that you find a depth of love you never would've know before. It is in heartache and suffering that our hearts become vulnerable. And open.

For the past several months, my sister Elizabeth and I have been planning on auditioning for the musical "Little Women" together. Little Women has been very close to the hearts of the Andersen sisters. The depth of the closeness resonated with me and my sisters. We were always there for one another growing up, supporting each other in our dreams, yet sometimes accepting that one's dream may be a painful separation from the bond of love between us.

I hoped with my deepest heart that my sister and I would be able to share the memory of acting as sisters in this play together. Elizabeth and I have had a harder relationship than I had with my other sisters. Like Jo and Amy, the two of us took our turns burning each other's stories and stealing each other's opportunities. Like Jo, Elizabeth was full of passion and talent and emotion, destined for great things. And in a way, I was just like Amy- complaining about my nose, wishing I could have what she had, and trying to steal the attention.

Lizzy and I have been working out our issues for the last two years since she left for Montana. I have been learning that I don't have to try to outshine her, that's its okay for me to be me without constantly try to be as amazing as her. And just because I'm not as good as her doesn't mean that I suck. I am talented in my own way- God has gifted us differently because He's called us to different things.

I thought that this production of "Little Woman" was going to be the final seal that solidified our relationship. I had been working on my confidance and I had put all of the times I had fallen short to my sis behind me. I thought I was opening a new chapter.

I was nervous about auditioning, but I felt peace about it. I prayed a lot about it, and I just knew things were going to work out. I'd hoped to get a lead, but I told the Lord as long as I didn't have to be a hag, I was ok.

Lizzy and I auditioned together. I was so nervous, but I placed it into the Lord's hands. The next morning, both my sister and I had received callbacks! She'd been called back for Marmae, Meg, and Jo, and I'd been called back for Beth and Jo.

I practiced my lines and my songs and I continued to pray. But I was unsettled. I was afraid. I was afraid because I wanted to be in this play with my sister. I wanted it bad. And I didn't know if I was good enough. I tried as hard as I could not to fall back into the old mindsets, but the thoughts kept nagging me. I cried all the way to the callback that night.

I acted and sang for the two hours that night. I couldn't get my mind off of it, even after I'd gone home I knew Elizabeth would get a lead, but neither her nor I knew what my fate would be. That night, I woke up at 2am wet from sweat. I could hardly sleep the rest of the night. The next afternoon, I waited and waited and waited for the cast list to be posted.

Finally, my mom prayed, "Lord, could you please get this over with so that if there is a breakdown, I can be here." Little did she know.

When the list was posted, at the top was the name "Elizabeth Andersen- Jo March." My name was nowhere in sight. I scrolled down and searched desparately for my name. And I found it. Under "Lead Hag."

I cried literally all day long. Hours and hours, I cried. And not just a few tears. I wept. I locked myself away and wailed. No words can describe what I felt. No words. It wasn't just about me not getting the part- the depths of my heart were shaken. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt all of my childhood feelings of being worthless, overlooked, and unimportant over again. But something happened during my breakdown that shook me more than anything else that happened that day.

As I quieted myself for a moment in between sobs, I heard weeping coming from another source. My sister, retreated to her own bedroom below me, was weeping too. Her heart broke for me. She wanted just as badly for me to be a sister in this play with her. She knew how badly I was hurting, and she hurt with me. She and my mom cried with me, at the awfulness of getting the only part I begged God not to get.

Yet something about this experience opened my heart in a new way.  I felt a closeness to love that I had never felt before. My heart, usually private and locked away for fear of pain, was out in the open. Nothing but a depth of pain could ever cause me to feel a heart of flesh come alive. I had a cold, unfeeling heart for a long time. Maybe extreme pain was the only way for me to truly come alive. I guess God never gives us anything we can't handle, huh?

I'm still a little shaken up about the whole thing, but I've learned a few things already (even though this just happened yesterday). One, God loves the hag just as much as He loves the talented, beautiful person. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. Two, God's plan for my life is different than Elizabeth's. My whole life, I wanted to fit her mold. I coveted the path God was leading her- He has called her to be in the spotlight because that's where she is reaching people. And for most of my life, I was mad because He was calling me to be a backstage worker. But anyone who's worked in theatre knows that being backstage is no small thing. It's a small thing to the audience and most people don't ever notice or recognize all the work put on by those behind the scenes. And I have to realize that not being center-stage is okay.

I've also learned that true love isn't just something that happens when you find your soul-mate. True love isn't just for those who have a Valentine today. True love is being a mother who sacrifices everything for her children. True love is being a sister who shares, listens, cares, and forgives many faults (all of my sisters have done this for me, I can assure you!). True love is being a brother (or brother-in-law) who demonstrates what a godly man looks like and encourages his sisters to hold out for a man of honor. True love is being a man who puts aside his own selfishness to protect the dignity of women. True love is being far apart, yet close in spirit. True love can hurt sometimes, but true love is also the only thing that can heal. That's because true love is God. God is love. God is true love. When we know God, we know love.

And I'm starting to know Love in a whole new way. Happy Valentine's Day everyone :)


*Lizzy- You are going to make the best Jo March there ever was! You deserve this- you have been working so hard. This is your big break! I'm so, so, so proud of you and I love you a lot.*

Love is not proud, love does not boast
Love after all matters the most
Love does not run, love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside

Love is a river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain, love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
And love will protect, love always hopes
And love still believes when you don't

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this, greater than this

'Cause love is right here, love is alive
Love is the way, the truth, the life
Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you

And love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

-Brandon Heath

An Unbeetable Remedy

This morning, as usually happens on a monthly basis, I woke up with a severe case of dysmenorrhea. Aside from the fact that my abs and lower back were causing me discomfort (understatment) and the fact that I looked like a pregnant goose trying to waddle whenever I tried to walk anywhere (also an understatment), the worst part had to be that it woke me up a 3:40. In. The. Morning. It was painful. Literally.

I spent the next hour trying to go back to sleep, but that didn't happen. So I got up and wandered around the house trying to find solace and trying not to wake people up as I raided their rooms for heat pads.

I told myself NO Ibuprofen this time. I gave myself some encouraging speech about how in 5 days it would all be over, and I would be happy that I made the 'healthy' decision. Five minutes later, I vetoed myself.

 With the pain killer yet to kick in, I got a wild idea.

I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or maybe I would've been just as crazy had I slept for 12 hours, but just then, I remembered. My doctor had told me the sure-fire way to get rid of cramping: Beets.

Being a little cuckoo in the head, I took my waddling self down to Yokes at 5:30 AM (emphasis on the AM part) to pick up some beets for my 'healthy' smoothie cramp reliever.  I think I was feeling a little guilty about the Ibu. Talk about overcompensation.

When I came home, I turned on the house fans, put on my gloves, peeled away, and plopped an entire beet into our blender. It looked so beautiful in there. Little did I know.

After adding some blueberries and peaches (not the sweetest fruits ever), I tried my concoction.

If any of you ever wants to try beets, try this first. Go outside, find a patch of dirt, throw a blueberrie on it, and heap yourself a spoonful. If that sounds tasty, come over. I have two more beets in my fridge and you are more than welcome to have them.

It was so gross. I kept adding more fruit to try to get it to taste better. Bad idea. The smoothie just kept getting bigger and bigger and tasted muddier and muckier with every bite.

I couldn't throw it away. Not after I'd gone to the store and paid for those beets. Not after I used all those delicious blueberries and peaches. And not when I knew that disgusting smoothie was my ticket to cramp free.

So I drank it. An entire glass. For breakfast. I gagged. I plugged my nose. And when I still had an entire serving left, I packed some for lunch. Granted, I couldn't bring myself to eat it all day, but I tried. Oh how I tried. But every time I smelled that earthy dirt smell in my smoothie, I gagged. Oh dear.

The rest is still in the fridge. And it will remain there until I either gather the courage to finish it or I quit feeling guilty and throw it out.

Looks can be deceiving...

If it looks like I'm falling asleep, its because I am :)

The funny thing is, even though it made me want to puke, I think the beets actually helped. I took my Ibuprofen around 5 and its currently 8:00pm and I haven't taken any since (which is pretty much unheard of). Either that or I've been healed, in which case I am throwing those beets out the window tomorrow morning.

I think there is a lesson to be learned from this experience. The beet actually looked pretty delicious, a pretty red color on the outside that makes you think its going to taste like a pomegranate or something. But it was disgusting and repulsive once you actually take a bite out of it.

That reminds me of people. Sometimes people can be beautiful and attractive on the outside, but inside they are bitter and ugly. Yes, maybe you can handle their company for a while, but pretty soon, the relationship will become less and less desireable.

Drinking that blech smoothie made me NOT want to be a person like that. I don't want people to be unpleasantly surprised if they get to know me and find out I'm a jerk. Ouch. Or maybe I'm just beeting myself up. HAHAHAHA.Oh boy. I need to get to bed.

The point is, don't be a beet. Be a banana or a strawberry or something sweet. Just please don't be a beet because I want to be your friend.

I am rambling at this point, but I will remind you I've been up for 17 hours. If you've learned one thing from this blogpost, let it be this... Actually, I don't know what you learned. Beet's me. HAHAHAHA!!

Ok seriously now, I'm done.

"Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Failing to Succeed

I heard some words this week that truly inspired me. They were:

"Hey, so when do we eat???"

"Sure, you hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? Cause that's what's for lunch."

These words inspired me not because they were extraordinary, but because they'd were real. They were true. They were hilariously painful. Ouch.

I've been thinking a lot about success lately and what that means. I am the type of person who would rather be classified as successful and do little than the person who is ordinary but does much. If I know there is a potential that I may fail, you will find me heading the other direction. Nothing doing.

Yet I've been thinking recently about I can't be truly successful without the potential of failing. Every class I take at CBC, I could fail. Granted, the likelihood of that happening is slim, but still. It could happen.

What's even worse is that, in my mind, if I am not 100% successful, I've failed. For example (I can't believe I'm admitting this) I almost didn't make the Presidents List this last year. Sure I would've made the Dean's List still, but I was super mad (until I found a loophole in the syllabus and raised my grade 2%). Don't you find that slightly ridiculous and majorly obsessive? I am a straight A student, yet when I don't get 100%, you'd think I flunked. Sometimes I just feel like facepalming myself. Having one of those moments now.

It's not just school though. That I can control to some degree. Recently, as I work at a library, I've been seeing all these photos of skanky celebrities with chests bigger than coconuts (*just quoting the Bible here :)* and booties bigger than elephants and abs perfectly toned as they flaunt what they got for everybody and their dog.

I don't have a six-pack. For crying out loud I don't even have a one pack (if there is such a thing). I got curves, but I don't look half as proportional as Taylor Swift or Katy Perry. I had to look at myself in comparasion and ask, "What do I see as successful? Would I really want to be like them?"

No. I wouldn't.

If successful is being on the front page of "Rolling Stone" or "People" wearing nothing but a malfunctioning loincloth (I mean seriously, Tarzan was more modest then that ya'll), then I will be a failure in Hollywood's eyes forever. And if success is defined by how defined you are on the outside, then I'll never get there.

But if success is defined by having someone look into my eyes instead of straight to my exposed chest; if success is defined by working hard even when I'd rather be blogging (hehe... In progress :); if success is becoming the best version of yourself for the good of God's kingdom; then maybe I am more successful than I think.

And you know what? Sometimes I'm going to mess up. I'm going to stick my foot in my big mouth. I may get lazy and take my eyes off the prize *hypothetically speaking, lol*: I'm going to be dumb sometimes, like when I stay up late blogging when I work the opening shift (aka leave my house at 6:30) the next morning Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes I don't have time to shower and smell nice. Sometimes I get distracted and don't pay attention- like just now. Sometimes it happens. Oh well.

All I know, is I am hungry. Literally, yes (As usual, lol) and figuratively. And yep, sometimes, my meal is going to consist of failure. And ya, it doesn't taste that good. But it's that bitter-sweet taste that keeps you growing, it keeps you accountable. It keeps you humble. And I've heard humbleness tastes good with pie... :) So while I'm on the road to success by Heaven's standards, a light snack on the way will keep me going so that I may, God willing, eventually reach my destination marked by my growth and not by my status of earthly success.

New chapters

Honestly, there is rarely a time when I experience writer's block. Normally, I have a lot to say and it is natural for me to put into words what I feel in my heart. But as I try to encompass in my mind what this past year has been like, I am at a loss. There is so much there, yet so... little. It seems as though no time has passed, yet it also seems like 2014 has lasted for centuries. I look back on all the ways I have grown and see much improvement, yet still so much to be conquered in myself. I find myself glad that this year is coming to an end, and I'm ready to begin a new chapter of life.

Isn't that how it is at the start of a new year? Everyone is ready and willing to begin again and put their best foot forward to make the coming year better than the last one. For the past five years at least, that's been my goal: To have the best year of my life.

But this year is different because I'm looking at all my experiences throughout the year and wondering what defines "best"? Did I have more fun this year than ever before? No. I really didn't. In fact, my social life kind-of stunk. Did I end the year being in just as good of shape and looking just as good as the beginning of the year? Nada. Zero. In fact, it's the opposite. I started out the year playing two sports and working out in the gym, and now, I'm... well, not doing any of those things :) Did I have life-changing experiences? Kind-of. I mean I go to prom, Stuebenville, and on road trips every year. There's nothing really different about life, (MINUS having my nephew being born- the one and only exception to absolutely, wonderfully life-changing :)

So as I look back over the year, I am asking myself, "Did I have the best year ever?" Before, I would've thought that if I could count more exciting experiences that happened this year than the year before, it was a better year this year. But now, I'm thinking, "Why does having more excitement and more fun and more everything make something better?"

The truth of the matter is that 2014 was a hard year for me. I had to face a lot of things in myself I didn't like. I battled depression and anxiety. I grew closer to my family throughout the year, but it wasn't without hurt and tears. My social relationships lacked.

Part of the reason the year was so hard was because I was making changes (or trying to). I was detaching from unhealthy relationships where the year before I hadn't had enough to strength to do it. I started learning how to grow up when I got a job at the beginning of September and starting paying for some of my own stuff. I was also reevaluating my attitude, my outlook on life, and so many other things. I became a more contemplative, private person in 2014. So different from the loud, crazy, wild lady who was ready to conquer the world in 2013.

Thankfully, I still have that drive in me, its just very different. I'm learning to center it, to focus it. God wants to use that passion and love for risk for His Glory. Now I am just learning that I can be quiet and listen for His direction before jumping on a wild idea and riding it to kingdom come. I'm learning to ask. And trust. And WAIT. Which is hard. Especially when you have no clue where God is taking you. Just the other day, I was starting to stress out again that I hadn't heard from the Lord about what to do after CBC, and then I thought, "Hey! Why not think of this as one of those exciting surprises you always want instead of worrying about not knowing?" Perspective is powerful- Truly, what would be so bad about not knowing? I mean, even if He didn't tell me until the day school starts next semester, He would make a way. And it might involve me jumping on a plane and flying to Timbuktu to finish my degree as a Bone Regeneration Specialist. You never know :)

Because I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing for 2015, I have no big goals. Except one: Follow where the Lord leads. That's it. That's all I got. For the life of me, I have no idea where or what that is. But one day, when everything becomes clear, I know there will be a beautiful, amazing story that will be a testament to the beauty of trusting God for all things.

I'm not going to make any sentimental statements about how I hope that 2015 is better that 2014 or make a list of things I want to accomplish. All I know is that 2014 was good for me. Was it the best year ever? I don't know. All I know is that I survived another year. I laughed, I cried, I grew, I wilted, I fell, I rose, I learned, I lost, I loved, and I lived. And what could be better than that? It may not have been the 'best' year, but it was the best for me. It was what I needed.

I hope that as you all reminisce about the year and look forward to the coming season in your life, you feel the freshness of starting a new chapter of your life journey.

Wishing you all a happy New Year full of life, love, and freedom!

Thankful for life (and late night bowling)

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. Figures, since Thanksgiving was last weekend :) It's interesting how a time of thanks makes you realize how ungrateful you actually are.

I find it ironic how the day of meant for thanksgiving for what we have is now followed by a full out race to accumulate more stuff the day after. So yes, we sit down at dinnertime for the turkey and stuffing, and then take our leave to be the first in line for the "Pre-Black Friday Sales." I think this demonstrates perfectly the discontent of our culture. We're always wanting more.

 I wish I could say I was exempt from this mindset. Unfortunately, I have been plagued with the self-centered bug that makes people crave more than what they have.

I am very blessed, yet sometimes it seems as though all the blessings are hidden by discouragement from the hard things in life. But I don't want to live my life in the negative, focused on what could be better instead what is already great. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I was so concerned with accumulating more and rising to the top of the success list that I missed out on important relationships or hurt the ones I cared about.

I have been trying to make some attitude changes the past few weeks and thankfully (pun :), the Lord is helping me to become less focused on my wants and more focused on how He has provided for my every need.

I have decided that I will be grateful in every circumstance. I used to think that gratitude was "at least I'm not ______," but thankfulness is more than that. I think thankfulness is synonymous with joy. When you are joyful, you are thankful for the blessings, even the disguised ones, and you don't let a bad day hinder you from giving thanks to the Lord. And when you are thankful, you receive a joy in knowing that the Lord has provided for you.

The Lord has provided for me in so many ways. He has given me all that I need, plus more. So right now, I am going to list ten things I am thankful for.

1. My family. We are the weirdest people I know. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

I think Lizzy has been spending too much time at Petco :)

 

 

Typical moment. 

Lizzy does something dramatic. 

I am just like "Welcome to my world" :)

 

I will leave this photo to interpretation because I don't know how to explain what is going on.

I really don't know.

2. My friends. I literally have the best friends ever. I have had so many wonderful/wild experiences with my dear friends throughout the years. The most recent one being late night bowling (and playing hide-and-seek tag in Walmart). I had so much fun and I actually beat everyone the first game (which if you know me, you know I STINK at bowling. I will tell you, during game two, I got last place... I was just on a roll for a second :)

  

Having the time of our lives :)

 

 

Justin, Jake, Anthony, Connor, Me, Kim, and Maggie chilling out in the sketchy bowling ally.

3. My church. I LOVE my church SO much. I have grown so much spiritually, especially this year being a part of the Jr. Core team. Which leads me to...

4. Lifeteen. I've grown closer to God and closer to my fellow church members this year as a part of Lifeteen, and I'm so thankful for that! I've gotten to help lead worship and gave a testimony on modesty. I have so many great experiences, and the year isn't even halfway over!

 

MASS FITNESS! 

I actually got to lead ZUMBA on this night- I won't ever forget it!

 

Our costume/murder mystery night.

I am supposed to be Cinderella, but apparently, several people thought I was Snow White (why, I have no idea)

 

Our "Wedding Feast" Lifenight. 

I finally got another opportunity to wear my bridesmaid dress!

 

Chilling after our "Pro-life" issue night.

Me and Kim did a skit on abortion, while the boys did one on suicide. 

5. Cars. I am so thankful that I have a vehicle to get me where I need to go. I am also thankful because some people that are very dear to me live only a few hour car ride away. If we were making the trip in old west wagons... Not very efficient when you want a weekend visit!

6. Music. I love playing music and writing music and listening to music and everything about music. I feel so close to God when I am praising Him in song.

7. SNOW!! Not only do I get snow days, but I get to play outside with my siblings and get pelted in the tush with rock hard snowballs (true story!) 

 

8. Glasses. I don't know, just being able to see when a few hundred years ago, I would've been classified as blind is incredible. And contact lenses, so I can pretend I don't need glasses sometimes :)

9. Dancing. I should've put this closer to the top. I don't know what my life would be like could I not interpretive dance in my living room to Michael Buble. Life would not be the same!

10. Life in general. There are so many small things and big things and in between things that I am grateful for. And last....

11. God. I know I only said 10, but the very basis for my thankfulness and the reason why I can have joy is because of this One Guy. Named Jesus. Or Holy Spirit. Or Daddy-O in the sky. Whatever you prefer, my entire basis for praise and thanks is the fact that Christ paid the ultimate price for me sins. I can be joyful and loving because of Him. So Lord, I thank you for my life. I thank you that even though I've had a rough go, you still love me and you have a plan for me. And whether your plans for me are big, or small, I am thankful for what you have given me. May I always look to you as the source of my joy and gratitude.

 P.S. The late night bowling was a plus, so thanks for that too :)

 

 

 

 

 

Set apart sinners

I didn't quite know what his response would be when I told him I was a Christian.

"I knew you were," he responded casually.

How did you know?" I asked, interested to hear his response.

"I could tell by the way you carried yourself."

When I heard those words, I felt blown away. He acted as though my Christianity was the most obvious thing in the world. And he knew because of the way I carried myself.

I've only known this young man for a few weeks. I met him at work- he comes into the library to study, and whenever I see him around, we chat for a few minutes about our weekends and our jobs, and we go our separate ways. Yet even from our minimal interaction, he noticed that there was something different about me. Something that set me apart.

After he made that comment, we continued to have a conversation about faith. He proceeded to tell me that he was raised religiously (Mormon), but because of their lack of reverence, he left. In this five minute conversation with a man I hardly knew, I felt that he was truly wise. He didn't want a lukewarm faith. He saw the lack of passion and the boredom surrounding his church, and he didn't like it. God himself even said "I would rather you be hot or cold, but the lukewarm I will spit out of my mouth."

For a long time, I have thought that I was a crappy Christian, that over and over again, God kept spitting me out His mouth until I became the 'perfect' Christian. All my life, my focus has been on improvement, trying and trying and trying to be good enough. Good enough for God. Good enough for my family. Good enough for me. And I always fell short. Always.

But this conversation today really encouraged me. I thought that unless I was on my knees or speaking in tongues, that I was just like every other person. That my Christianity wasn't evident. But it was. Even when I thought I wasn't doing enough to further God's kingdom, my relationship with Christ was still impacting people. My actions have spoken louder than my words. And they've spoken loud enough that I don't even  have to open my mouth for others to know I'm a Christian. They can just look at me and they know.

That being said, the fact that others recognize Christ in me completely extinguishes the idea that one must be perfect to be a witness. I'm still not perfect *sigh.* I still fight with my mom. I still cry, yell, and sulk. I still turn to chocolate to satisfy my craving for love (I'm working on that one... :). I am still paranoid about money and whether or not God will provide for my needs. I still have a messy room, an unmanageable life, and dirty laundry that is screaming "Would you please just WASH me already?!?"

But you know what? God can use me in my mess. Everyday, I try. I fall. I get up. I try again. And most of the time, I don't succeed. At least not in the way I think I should.

But I hold my head up high. I persevere because I really, really, really want to live for God. I don't compromise my morals. I present myself in a way that honors God. I know that I may be the only person someone will ever meet that claims to be a Christian. What do I want them to think??

Today, I realized that I am doing alright. I keep keeping on. God is using me. And I may not be evangelizing while I check out people's books for them, but I am making a difference. They see Christ in me. They see Him in the way I dress. They see Him in the way I walk. They see Him in my attitude.

And if God can use someone so hopelessly flawed to further His kingdom, I fully believe that no flaw is hopeless to God.

"Preach the Gospel. If necessary, use words." St. Francis of Assisi

The Logic of Love

I heard once that all romance stories consist of one of three plotlines:


A. Girl likes boy. Boy doesn't like girl. By the end of the movie, boy likes girl.
B. Boy likes girl. Girl doesn't like boy. By the end of the movie, girl likes boy.
C. Boy #1 likes Girl #1. Boy #2 likes Girl #2. By the end of the movie, Boy #1 likes Girl #2. How did that happen??? No one knows.


Who knew that talking about romance could actually feel logical? Of course its logical, I often think to myself. Romance is totally logical. A leads to B leads to C leads to... and so on and so forth.


In our little heads, romance isn't complicated at all. It's all about the feelings. "They were meant to be together all along," we think to ourselves. We justify the broken engagements, the altering of personalities, because in our heads, having 'feelings' for someone means its going to work out. And we'll all live happily ever after. The end. Totally logical.


Not really. If anything, romance is like one of those algebra problems (math haters, plug your ears aka shield your eyes) where you solve an equation for x and come up with ZERO answer other than "X= y squared plus the cube root of (z plus 3) times 2i all divided by .23j plus k. Yeah. Read it again. If someone can take that equation and make it equal a nice tidy number, give me a call. I would like to meet with you and give you a psychological examination.


My point is, romance stories often don't portray the entirety of relationships. The plotline doesn't follow the fiancé whose partner of seven years just broke up with him because the girl bumped into another guy in the grocery store. Like its easy to leave someone you've been with for seven years. But no, she just bounces on to the next guy.


I watched a movie a few weeks ago with this same problem- The ENTIRE movie, this girl is trying to get her high school boyfriend to fall in love with her again. She succeeds. But then realizes, this other guy is actually the guy she wants. So she dumps the first guy. All of this happens within a span of..... ONE night. She kissed TWO guys in one night, with the same intensity, with the same feelings.


It makes me wonder if she's actually in love with either of them. Or perhaps, as we all may be, is she just in love with that feeling???


I think the reason why romance movies and novels sell is because deep down within every woman has this love for... love. We just love it. We love the thought of being romanced, kissed, held, chosen over another. We love the thought of dusty, robust cowboys or tall, dark, mysterious businessmen waltzing into our lives and saying, "YOU, my darling, are the one I want." Yet, is it that we truly become attached to that man as a person? Or do we become attached with the way he makes us feel?


My head is practically spinning. I think I'm confusing myself. Honestly, writing out that algebra problem made more sense to me than sorting out my feelings about romance. This is one of those moments when I am glad I am still single because if there were two of us trying to get into my head, there would be a problem.


On a personal level, I myself think  I am too attached to romance. I'll admit (don't you dare judge)- My heart flutters when I see Gil Blithe. Is it because I'm in love with him? No. Is it because I'm in love with romance... maybe...


I recently just read the book "The Help." I loved it. I loved it because it was about three women who dared to cross the lines, to put their lives in jeopardy, to come against the opposition of racial segregation. The book was engrossing and exciting. And it wasn't even a romance novel.


Sure, there was some romance in it. But it showed love for what it truly was. The guy she was with couldn't handle her. He couldn't support her. He didn't agree with her morals. And she accepted that and dealt with it. She didn't just hop from beau to beau. In the end, she didn't even end up with the slightest glimmer of hope for any relationship in the future (WHAT????) But she was happy. She did what was right. She didn't have family, friends, or arrays of men to support her. But she did the unthinkable.


That's what I want to do. But how am I going to do that if I spend all my single nights boo-hoo-ing in my bed cause I don't have no Mr. Darcy in my life to share his million-bajillion smackers a year? How am I going to make a difference if my butt is planted in front of the tv screen while I stuff my face with junk-food and lament at how Sandra Bullock always gets the good ones? If I can't peel my eyes off of John Travolta and his uber shnazzy dance moves for two seconds... yikes, I need to reevaluate my life.


I think its time for me to put down the spray cheese and Oreos and quit throwing myself a pity party by the fridge just because I don't have any guys to hop from so I can get my unrealistic romance needs fulfilled. I think its also time for me to stop using run on sentences, because my brain is running out of breath.


All in all, I think I need a new perspective on romance. I am not trying to belittle the wonder of love at all, I just think that our focus has become self-centered. Our commitments to one another are becoming less important and our feelings, more important. I'm not saying one should stick with somebody they don't have romantic feelings for. I just think that if you don't have romantic feelings for someone and you don't envision yourself spending the rest of your life with them, then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. If you have doubts about a relationship, instead of staying with them while keeping one eye open looking for someone new, then why waste his time and yours? I mean, its not going to kill you to be single for a while. Truly. I am not dead yet.


If there is one thing that you get out of this EXTREMELY long blog post (sorry, readers. When Dani gets on a roll, she can't stop), let it be that God has a more perfect romance planned out for you than you could ever, ever, ever imagine for yourself. For some of us, that romance will take place with our future spouse. Others, it may take the form of religious or single life. But no matter what our future vocations are, God wants to romance us, and he wants us to be romanced. There's a reason those longings are there. God put them there. God gave us the longing to be loved because He wants to love us.


So dear readers (if you've made it this far :) this Christmas season, if like me, you are tempted to indulge yourself in romantic Christmas comedies and listen to "Let it Snow" fifteen times in a row as you sulk underneath the mistletoe, remember that God is simply waiting to fill that need that you have in your heart for romance. And His love is a lot simpler than algebra.

Green-eyed Me

I am going to be honest. I struggle with jealousy. You know. The green-eyed monster. One of the seven deadly sins (or close to it). Oh dear.

My jealousy was rooted directly from my perfectionism. I have worked so hard to be perfect, yet it seemed as though any time someone else was rewarded, that it meant there was something wrong with me. So many times, I have felt utterly destroyed by another being chosen because it made me pick myself apart and constantly analyze why I was so much worse. 

I have been working constantly on this issue over the past six months. When others receive an honor I didn't or others are praised and my work left unmentioned, I have been working on being proud of them and rejoicing with them instead of wondering what it is about me that isn't good enough. So far, so good. The past few weeks, I have been digging to the root of my imperfection, and my confidence was slowly lifting. But now I've felt the ultimate test is coming.

It's funny how when you think you have something down, how a situation comes up where you have to reevaluate and rebuild everything you've been working towards. One single thing. And all the temptations to go back to the old way arise again.

Today, I asked God to keep me humble.

God answered me. And now, I don't know what to do with myself. Except call on him for His strength. Because I alone am not strong enough to overcome these feelings.

I feel them all flooding back, all the insecurities. I ask myself, was it all for nothing? Was my own time and efforts overlooked, unseen, not valued?

I feel like an underdog team. Like I worked and worked. I made it to the championship. And I lost. My emotions are jumping around. I should be happy for the other team, right? In reality, I can't see past all my wasted efforts, my time that I will never get back that was poured into something. But was it really worthless?

I don't think so.

My love still remains intact- Losing doesn't mean that my experience of training, sweating, working, crying, and repeating to get where I am today was for nothing. My experiences change me. I am not a lost cause because I am hurt. I am struggling with jealousy and anger, yes. But I am not giving into it. I will fight it with all I have, plus some. I know I will overcome this because God is with me.

I am tremendously hurt, yes. For no good reason? Potentially so. But I know that this experience of knowing that God saw everything that I desired and worked for, and He will reward me if no one else does. And that's all that matters.

He is still working on me. And He will continued to work on me until the day I die. But I will not give up. I will be happy for those who have reaped the benefits of recognition. I will be joyful amidst my hurt and I will look instead to invest in what I know will invest back into me.

Honestly, I don't know if this blog makes any sense, or even if anyone will read it. All I know is I had to get this off my chest. And I needed something to do with my hands instead of ripping or punching something as I bawled my eyes out.

God is using this as a cleansing. This is my ultimate test. I am going to struggle through it, but I will pass. God knows what I can handle- I'm going to be ok.

"You must, you must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, Strong enough
For the both of us"

Matthew West