Thankful for the silence

Today, I spent 4 hours in silence. No talking allowed. Yikes.

I know, half of you are probably falling out of your chairs thinking that I, an extreme extrovert, could spend 4 hours without talking, texting, listening to music, using any form of electronics or communication devices, reading or writing *gasp!* This is too much... :)

Believe me, it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to. In my psychology class, we were assigned to pick a task and test it out on our well-being. So of course, I picked the hardest one-- the one I knew I needed the most. Which was half a day of silence. Oh dear.

I started the silence experiment at 1:00 in the afternoon. I bundled up nice and warm, fixed myself some French Vanilla hot chocolate (which was delicious, by the way), and set out to hike Badger. It was a great and relaxing way to get some exercise, and the scenery was beautiful! However, my hike didn't go exactly according to plan...

I got lost. Somewhere along the way, I ended up on the other side of the mountain. Whoops.

 

I didn’t know where I was going and ended up somehow hiking three different trails. I went all the way around the mountain, then to the top, then back down. I was only planning on a short hike, but I ended up being there for about an hour and a half (I walked over 3 miles trying to find my way).

 

I was nervous that it would get dark, and since I had no concept of time, I didn’t know when the sun would set (I’d been walking for a while). And of course, I didn’t think to ask any of the few other hikers because I wasn’t supposed to be talking! Ah well, I made it down eventually, although I was very happy to finally be on flat ground!

 

Another problem I ran into: I couldn't exactly keep entirely silent on Badger. The others hikers on the trail were very friendly, and almost every single one of the said “Hello” or “Hi” to me as we passed. I did break the silence a little bit, BUT it was only because I couldn’t be the jerk who just walks past everyone else and their dog (literally) without making eye contact. So I usually just smiled and made a sharp exhaling noise that sounded like “Hi,” so I could get away with it.

 

Even though it wasn't what I was expecting, it was exactly what I needed. It was still very enjoyable, and the beauty took my breath away. 
 

Once the hike was over, I drove down to the river. I mostly just sat and examined the scene around me, although I did walk around a bit for a different views. It was very relaxing just to soak in the serenity around me. After that, I drove to a place where I could best see the clouds of the sunset. I pretty much just took in all the sights around me. After that, I went to Adoration and just sat silently for a long time. I finished up my day with a relaxing bath at home (although the silence part didn’t go so well with other people talking in my house :)

Contrary to what you might think (me being an "extrovert" and all), this experiment was actually very beneficial for me. I hardly am ever silent, and even when I think I’m being silent, it’s usually because I’m on some form of electronic. The silence made me so much more aware of my surroundings. I could actually appreciate the nature around me. One thing that I found out about myself is that I often try to fill the silence.

For example, driving in the car. When driving during the experiment, I actually had time to think instead of just mindlessly jamming to my music in the car. I did notice that sometimes I started randomly singing before I caught myself- I wasn’t used to it being so quiet in my car!

I definitely think the silence affected me very positively because as an extrovert, I rarely have time to just be quiet and think about… well, nothing! I thought that during this experiment that I would get bored, or even worse, start thinking about homework and all the stuff I needed to get down. However, being quiet was easier than I thought.

This experiment basically felt like a stress detox- I wasn’t hiking to lose weight, I was doing it for enjoyment. I didn’t sit quietly to try to brainstorm for my research essay, I sat and absorbed and felt. All the things I never noticed before became more special than ever.

Overall, silence has helped me appreciate the small things I usually take for granted. So this Thanksgiving, eat a little turkey and pumpkin pie, but more importantly, don't forget to quiet your heart and really pay attention to the little things you are grateful for. 

 "To be grateful is to recognize the love of God in everything." Thomas Merton

Amidst the suffering

Mother Teresa was an awesome woman. And frankly, her poem "Anyways" pretty much seems to sum up my life right now. The past couple days, I have been extremely tempted to just give up, pull my covers over my head, and hide away in a cave until my world is made right again.

So much has happened recently to make me question my strength. Everything has been stripped away, and it is all I can do to hold my head up.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not depressed, that God will take care of me and so on. Recently, I have just been so angry and confused, wondering why my life seems to make ZERO sense. Wondering why God doesn't seem to be intervening in the way I want Him to. Wondering if it would be better not to pray than to ask for a miracle and be denied.

I've been seriously asking myself how in the world I can forgive the ones who have scarred and damaged my heart. Do you remember the scene in Ever After, the day after the disastrous dance when the prince finds out Danielle is really a servant? In this scene, Danielle's hopes of love have been utterly crushed, and her jerk mother just won't shut up about what a fool the poor girl is. The profound moment for me is when Danielle says these shocking words to her mother: You've won.

That's exactly how I feel. After years of shielding myself from the words like daggers, after constantly pushing back those who've tried to stifle my will, after what feels like an eternity of suffering, I just want to say, "Ok. You've won. I give up." But I know doing so would break my will. Once I hand over my power to those who wish to control me, I am lost to myself. To stand my ground is to decide that I will continue to draw strength from the Lord, that I will forgive, but not be walked upon.

But will I benefit to stand my ground, to value my worth even if others don't? If I do, they will pound down upon me even harder. It's a battle of wills- but is the one who forgives the one who relents? I am not a doormat. But sometimes forgiveness seems like a sign on my forehead, saying, "Treat me how you want. I'll forgive you no matter what. Go ahead and trample me." At times, I am torn. Can I believe in my value yet forgive the wounds caused by others? Pain is such a confusing feeling.

This poem reminds me why I choose to forgive instead of hate, why I choose to believe God instead of what others say. It's not about anyone else. It's not about how people treat me or how they talk about me. It's about doing the right thing, not for them, but for God.

Lord, even if I am treated wrong, even if I am passed over or punished because I hold to my standards, even if I am never comforted or loved by the ones who should, through the suffering, I will forgive. I will be kind. I will succeed. I will be honest. I will build. I will be happy. I will do good. And I will give the world my best. Not for them. But for You.  

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; 

It was never between you and them anyway." Mother Teresa

Facepalm moments

If I could sum up my life in one quote, it might sound a little like this: "Sometimes you embarrass me." (Tarzan, anyone??) Sadly, this is very true. Let me enlighten you.

First off, my "most embarrassing moment" changes about every 2 weeks. There's not one time where I really made a fool of myself... it seems to happen quite often. Most times I start cringing and smacking myself on the forehead thinking, "Why, oh WHY did I just do that?!?" while everyone around me breaks into hysterics. Eventually, I laugh at myself too. Sometimes, really hard. Like today.

Anyone in my family will tell you, it is not uncommon for me to be busting it out on the dance floor (aka our living room) at random moments of the day. I do it for exercise, but tell that to my siblings, and they'd probably laugh and respond, "Really. Is that what she says." (they see right through me- they know where I'm headed. Dancing with the Stars, baby!)

Anyways, today I was doing one of my dance "exercises" to a catchy electro-pop song and getting my cardio in for the day. Right in the middle of this cool interpretive dance... thing, I randomly decided to look out the window (bad move).

My worst nightmare came true. My eyes met with a young woman walking up my driveway. Major cringe moment. It was terrible. I can't even describe my desire to jump into the closet. But I knew she'd seen me, so there was no way I could get out of answering the door.

I didn't know what to do, so I just calmly and nonchalantly opened the door after walking randomly around the house, trying to figure out how to redeem myself. All I could do was try to pull myself together and act like a business woman for this poor girl who just wanted somebody to buy her cookie dough for 4-H.

Yeesh.

It seems like incidences like this happen to me quite often. Just a few weeks ago, I was driving my friend to his car. We were stopped at a light where the car in front of us in the left turn lane had his right-turn signal on. After laughing over the abundance of bad drivers in America, I look down at my own blinker, and you guessed it. Looks like the joke was on me. My friend could not believe the irony of it, and we just laughed and laughed. Gotta love those facepalm moments.

Seriously though, embarrassing moments are good reminders that I'm not exempt from making mistakes. All too often I put this pressure on myself to be perfect and think I should be the best at everything without ever messing up. My blonde moments help me to put me back in my place while giving me the freedom to lighten up a little.

I've learned to laugh at myself (I can be pretty funny sometimes.... At least, I think so). And those moments when I just can't laugh at myself, I just laugh at other people (thank you, Tim Hawkins, for that nugget of wisdom :)

So far there is only one embarrassing moment that I still can't laugh about ten years later. All I will say is that it involves me dancing in a leotard. Oh, and I forgot about the time I drew on my face to look like an elf (I need to burn those pictures). Oh yeah, throw in all the stupid videos I've taken of myself and there is some serious blackmail material. Oh dear. It looks like I've still got a ways to go.

Yeesh.

More important than talent, strength, or knowledge is the ability to laugh at yourself and enjoy the pursuit of your dreams." Amy Grant

For they shall see God

I have a confession to make: I've never been kissed. I've never had a boyfriend. I for sure haven't tolerated any male critters in my bed. I've never told a guy I loved him. And I've never even been in one of those awkward "I like you and you like me, but we don't "date" so we're just going to date without making it official" relationships. Scandalous, I know :)

Until recently, I never really questioned the idea of purity. I always thought, "One day, I'll meet a guy who is pure like me and we'll get married *romantic sigh* and love God and have 12 kids and grow old together, and it'll all be hunky dory..." blah, blah, blah. Sounds perfect, right? But today I asked myself that horrible, I-don't-want-to-think-about-it-because-it-would-never-happen-I-hope question: What if my husband is NOT pure?? What then??

I follow a blog of a chastity speaker who just got married. This woman is a pure, beautiful, amazing, and hilarious person who saved intimacy for her wedding night. And unfortunately, her husband didn't. I can't imagine the grief I would feel to know that the beautiful things I saved for my husband, he carelessly spent having some college fling with his former girlfriend.

Stories like this make me wonder if it's worth it. All around me, I see teenage guys and girls throwing their hearts around, engaging in close physical contact, and making petty promises of fidelity when it's obvious the relationship won't last. What if my future husband is one of those people?

Today I told my mom, "Where is my promise that it will all be worth it? How do I know that there is a guy who is waiting for me? What's the use if there is no guarantee that there is someone out there who meets my standards? What if I saved everything only to find he has wasted all of it?"

I couldn't answer those questions. Because in my mind's eye, God didn't promise to give me a pure husband. However, as I found tonight, He did promise me something much greater than any earthly satisfaction.

Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.

There is my promise. There is my guarantee.

Even if my future husband has messed around and all my efforts to be pure seem to be for nothing, it doesn't matter. I can hold to the promise that my purity does mean something to God. God values my desire to save my heart enough to show me His heart.

I possess a relationship with Jesus that most people don't ever get to experience. The pain, the loneliness I feel has only brought me closer to the heart of the Lord. He has held me close during my times of trial and supplied all my needs. I have never felt closer to God than when I am making a tough choice that pleases Him. Because He is there, giving me strength and helping me.

It doesn't matter if I am the only one who will stick to my standard of purity. I am pure of heart, and I will (and have already) seen God. And regardless of the stupid things the people around me may indulge in, I know that I am blessed. Because God cares about purity.

And that is guarantee enough for me.

"To be pure, to remain pure, can only come at a price, the price of KNOWING God and loving Him enough to do His will. He always gives us the strength we need to keep purity as something beautiful for Him." Mother Teresa

New seasons

Yesterday was the awards ceremony for my volleyball team :( It makes me so sad to leave this season (literally) of my life. Volleyball with Country Christian changed my life in a wonderful way. In a time where I was missing my own sisters, God provided me with a family of 11 girls to encourage me, talk with me, and remind me that I could do it. This season, we spent so  much time traveling in the car, cracking hilarious jokes, singing songs with eloquent harmonies, and discussing thought-provoking topics. We laughed ourselves silly, sometimes for no reason except that Jana was laughing. We talked about boys, and how difficult yet essential it is to stay emotionally pure. And yes, we did talk about farming ;) And food! We talked about that, too, since the gals on my team are all culinary geniuses.

 

Our team theme this year was "Serve One," which concentrated on serving God, serving the team, and serving consistently on the court. By the end of the season, we were serving (and aiming) so well that one of the coaches from another team actually commented on it! Our defense struggled a little bit this year since we only had a few back row specialists, but our offense was booming. We had heaps of powerful hitters, some great blockers, and a couple of really strategic front row players who knew exactly when to tip the ball instead of spike.

 

 

Country Christian Varsity 2013

My lovely team (L to R)

   Coach Carlson

 Esther: Setter

                          Kimra: Middle hitter/blocker

              Jana: Right side hitter

                    Morgan: Right side hitter

Lizzy: Setter

                          Felicity: Defensive Specialist

                           Thea: Left/Right hitter/blocker

      Brittney: Libero

                    Me: Middle hitter/blocker

                                              Hannah S: Defensive Specialist/Right side

                                   Hannah B: Right/Left hitter/blocker

                         Marissa: Defensive Specialist

     Coach Nakamura

 

 

My teammates are excellent volleyball players, which drove me to work very hard. I was constantly examining their techniques for hitting and passing, two areas that I had a hard time catching onto at first. But everyone was very gracious to me, and encouraged me to play my best.   

 

I struggled with my place on the team because it was my first year, but all the other girls my age had played several years of volleyball before. I wanted to play, so the first two weeks of practice, I busted it. It was excruciating, but I gave 110% every day, hoping that it would pay off. It did.

 

Our very first game, I was a starter. Half of our games this season, I played all around. Halfway through the season, I was the starting server. Never would I have expected to have the chance to do these things, but it boosted my confidence immensely. My coach believed in me, my team believed in me, and all I needed to do to succeed was believe in myself. A little bit of a harder thing to do ;)

 

I learned so much about being a team player this year. I learned that winning isn't as important as playing well. I learned not to have expectations, and I will be satisfied with whatever result I get. I learned not to be intimidated by the better teams, but to put my game face on and act like I know what I'm doing (even if I don't). And most importantly, I learned that sitting on the bench doesn't mean I'm not an important part of the team. My value to the team isn't based on whether I play all game, every game, or whether I get every dig. As long as I am encouraging my teammates and lifting them up, I am doing something worthwhile.

 



 

Even though the season is over, I won't forget what I experienced and who I met. I am specifically so thankful to my coaches for devoting their time to this team and pouring into us. They inspired us to become better people. They contributed to our team bonding, whether Coach Nakamura was reading us a bedtime story on an overnight trip or Coach Carlson laughing at our dumb jokes in the car. My coaches are extraordinary people who are devoted, loving, and caring. And fortunately, our families are good friends, so I have the opportunity to see them often ;)

 

I appreciate the all Country folks so much, for accepting me and encouraging me to play well. They are all beautiful girls, and I know I'll see them again. After all, my brother is starting Country basketball next month :)