Amidst the suffering

Mother Teresa was an awesome woman. And frankly, her poem "Anyways" pretty much seems to sum up my life right now. The past couple days, I have been extremely tempted to just give up, pull my covers over my head, and hide away in a cave until my world is made right again.

So much has happened recently to make me question my strength. Everything has been stripped away, and it is all I can do to hold my head up.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not depressed, that God will take care of me and so on. Recently, I have just been so angry and confused, wondering why my life seems to make ZERO sense. Wondering why God doesn't seem to be intervening in the way I want Him to. Wondering if it would be better not to pray than to ask for a miracle and be denied.

I've been seriously asking myself how in the world I can forgive the ones who have scarred and damaged my heart. Do you remember the scene in Ever After, the day after the disastrous dance when the prince finds out Danielle is really a servant? In this scene, Danielle's hopes of love have been utterly crushed, and her jerk mother just won't shut up about what a fool the poor girl is. The profound moment for me is when Danielle says these shocking words to her mother: You've won.

That's exactly how I feel. After years of shielding myself from the words like daggers, after constantly pushing back those who've tried to stifle my will, after what feels like an eternity of suffering, I just want to say, "Ok. You've won. I give up." But I know doing so would break my will. Once I hand over my power to those who wish to control me, I am lost to myself. To stand my ground is to decide that I will continue to draw strength from the Lord, that I will forgive, but not be walked upon.

But will I benefit to stand my ground, to value my worth even if others don't? If I do, they will pound down upon me even harder. It's a battle of wills- but is the one who forgives the one who relents? I am not a doormat. But sometimes forgiveness seems like a sign on my forehead, saying, "Treat me how you want. I'll forgive you no matter what. Go ahead and trample me." At times, I am torn. Can I believe in my value yet forgive the wounds caused by others? Pain is such a confusing feeling.

This poem reminds me why I choose to forgive instead of hate, why I choose to believe God instead of what others say. It's not about anyone else. It's not about how people treat me or how they talk about me. It's about doing the right thing, not for them, but for God.

Lord, even if I am treated wrong, even if I am passed over or punished because I hold to my standards, even if I am never comforted or loved by the ones who should, through the suffering, I will forgive. I will be kind. I will succeed. I will be honest. I will build. I will be happy. I will do good. And I will give the world my best. Not for them. But for You.  

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; 

It was never between you and them anyway." Mother Teresa