Facepalm moments

If I could sum up my life in one quote, it might sound a little like this: "Sometimes you embarrass me." (Tarzan, anyone??) Sadly, this is very true. Let me enlighten you.

First off, my "most embarrassing moment" changes about every 2 weeks. There's not one time where I really made a fool of myself... it seems to happen quite often. Most times I start cringing and smacking myself on the forehead thinking, "Why, oh WHY did I just do that?!?" while everyone around me breaks into hysterics. Eventually, I laugh at myself too. Sometimes, really hard. Like today.

Anyone in my family will tell you, it is not uncommon for me to be busting it out on the dance floor (aka our living room) at random moments of the day. I do it for exercise, but tell that to my siblings, and they'd probably laugh and respond, "Really. Is that what she says." (they see right through me- they know where I'm headed. Dancing with the Stars, baby!)

Anyways, today I was doing one of my dance "exercises" to a catchy electro-pop song and getting my cardio in for the day. Right in the middle of this cool interpretive dance... thing, I randomly decided to look out the window (bad move).

My worst nightmare came true. My eyes met with a young woman walking up my driveway. Major cringe moment. It was terrible. I can't even describe my desire to jump into the closet. But I knew she'd seen me, so there was no way I could get out of answering the door.

I didn't know what to do, so I just calmly and nonchalantly opened the door after walking randomly around the house, trying to figure out how to redeem myself. All I could do was try to pull myself together and act like a business woman for this poor girl who just wanted somebody to buy her cookie dough for 4-H.

Yeesh.

It seems like incidences like this happen to me quite often. Just a few weeks ago, I was driving my friend to his car. We were stopped at a light where the car in front of us in the left turn lane had his right-turn signal on. After laughing over the abundance of bad drivers in America, I look down at my own blinker, and you guessed it. Looks like the joke was on me. My friend could not believe the irony of it, and we just laughed and laughed. Gotta love those facepalm moments.

Seriously though, embarrassing moments are good reminders that I'm not exempt from making mistakes. All too often I put this pressure on myself to be perfect and think I should be the best at everything without ever messing up. My blonde moments help me to put me back in my place while giving me the freedom to lighten up a little.

I've learned to laugh at myself (I can be pretty funny sometimes.... At least, I think so). And those moments when I just can't laugh at myself, I just laugh at other people (thank you, Tim Hawkins, for that nugget of wisdom :)

So far there is only one embarrassing moment that I still can't laugh about ten years later. All I will say is that it involves me dancing in a leotard. Oh, and I forgot about the time I drew on my face to look like an elf (I need to burn those pictures). Oh yeah, throw in all the stupid videos I've taken of myself and there is some serious blackmail material. Oh dear. It looks like I've still got a ways to go.

Yeesh.

More important than talent, strength, or knowledge is the ability to laugh at yourself and enjoy the pursuit of your dreams." Amy Grant

For they shall see God

I have a confession to make: I've never been kissed. I've never had a boyfriend. I for sure haven't tolerated any male critters in my bed. I've never told a guy I loved him. And I've never even been in one of those awkward "I like you and you like me, but we don't "date" so we're just going to date without making it official" relationships. Scandalous, I know :)

Until recently, I never really questioned the idea of purity. I always thought, "One day, I'll meet a guy who is pure like me and we'll get married *romantic sigh* and love God and have 12 kids and grow old together, and it'll all be hunky dory..." blah, blah, blah. Sounds perfect, right? But today I asked myself that horrible, I-don't-want-to-think-about-it-because-it-would-never-happen-I-hope question: What if my husband is NOT pure?? What then??

I follow a blog of a chastity speaker who just got married. This woman is a pure, beautiful, amazing, and hilarious person who saved intimacy for her wedding night. And unfortunately, her husband didn't. I can't imagine the grief I would feel to know that the beautiful things I saved for my husband, he carelessly spent having some college fling with his former girlfriend.

Stories like this make me wonder if it's worth it. All around me, I see teenage guys and girls throwing their hearts around, engaging in close physical contact, and making petty promises of fidelity when it's obvious the relationship won't last. What if my future husband is one of those people?

Today I told my mom, "Where is my promise that it will all be worth it? How do I know that there is a guy who is waiting for me? What's the use if there is no guarantee that there is someone out there who meets my standards? What if I saved everything only to find he has wasted all of it?"

I couldn't answer those questions. Because in my mind's eye, God didn't promise to give me a pure husband. However, as I found tonight, He did promise me something much greater than any earthly satisfaction.

Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.

There is my promise. There is my guarantee.

Even if my future husband has messed around and all my efforts to be pure seem to be for nothing, it doesn't matter. I can hold to the promise that my purity does mean something to God. God values my desire to save my heart enough to show me His heart.

I possess a relationship with Jesus that most people don't ever get to experience. The pain, the loneliness I feel has only brought me closer to the heart of the Lord. He has held me close during my times of trial and supplied all my needs. I have never felt closer to God than when I am making a tough choice that pleases Him. Because He is there, giving me strength and helping me.

It doesn't matter if I am the only one who will stick to my standard of purity. I am pure of heart, and I will (and have already) seen God. And regardless of the stupid things the people around me may indulge in, I know that I am blessed. Because God cares about purity.

And that is guarantee enough for me.

"To be pure, to remain pure, can only come at a price, the price of KNOWING God and loving Him enough to do His will. He always gives us the strength we need to keep purity as something beautiful for Him." Mother Teresa

New seasons

Yesterday was the awards ceremony for my volleyball team :( It makes me so sad to leave this season (literally) of my life. Volleyball with Country Christian changed my life in a wonderful way. In a time where I was missing my own sisters, God provided me with a family of 11 girls to encourage me, talk with me, and remind me that I could do it. This season, we spent so  much time traveling in the car, cracking hilarious jokes, singing songs with eloquent harmonies, and discussing thought-provoking topics. We laughed ourselves silly, sometimes for no reason except that Jana was laughing. We talked about boys, and how difficult yet essential it is to stay emotionally pure. And yes, we did talk about farming ;) And food! We talked about that, too, since the gals on my team are all culinary geniuses.

 

Our team theme this year was "Serve One," which concentrated on serving God, serving the team, and serving consistently on the court. By the end of the season, we were serving (and aiming) so well that one of the coaches from another team actually commented on it! Our defense struggled a little bit this year since we only had a few back row specialists, but our offense was booming. We had heaps of powerful hitters, some great blockers, and a couple of really strategic front row players who knew exactly when to tip the ball instead of spike.

 

 

Country Christian Varsity 2013

My lovely team (L to R)

   Coach Carlson

 Esther: Setter

                          Kimra: Middle hitter/blocker

              Jana: Right side hitter

                    Morgan: Right side hitter

Lizzy: Setter

                          Felicity: Defensive Specialist

                           Thea: Left/Right hitter/blocker

      Brittney: Libero

                    Me: Middle hitter/blocker

                                              Hannah S: Defensive Specialist/Right side

                                   Hannah B: Right/Left hitter/blocker

                         Marissa: Defensive Specialist

     Coach Nakamura

 

 

My teammates are excellent volleyball players, which drove me to work very hard. I was constantly examining their techniques for hitting and passing, two areas that I had a hard time catching onto at first. But everyone was very gracious to me, and encouraged me to play my best.   

 

I struggled with my place on the team because it was my first year, but all the other girls my age had played several years of volleyball before. I wanted to play, so the first two weeks of practice, I busted it. It was excruciating, but I gave 110% every day, hoping that it would pay off. It did.

 

Our very first game, I was a starter. Half of our games this season, I played all around. Halfway through the season, I was the starting server. Never would I have expected to have the chance to do these things, but it boosted my confidence immensely. My coach believed in me, my team believed in me, and all I needed to do to succeed was believe in myself. A little bit of a harder thing to do ;)

 

I learned so much about being a team player this year. I learned that winning isn't as important as playing well. I learned not to have expectations, and I will be satisfied with whatever result I get. I learned not to be intimidated by the better teams, but to put my game face on and act like I know what I'm doing (even if I don't). And most importantly, I learned that sitting on the bench doesn't mean I'm not an important part of the team. My value to the team isn't based on whether I play all game, every game, or whether I get every dig. As long as I am encouraging my teammates and lifting them up, I am doing something worthwhile.

 



 

Even though the season is over, I won't forget what I experienced and who I met. I am specifically so thankful to my coaches for devoting their time to this team and pouring into us. They inspired us to become better people. They contributed to our team bonding, whether Coach Nakamura was reading us a bedtime story on an overnight trip or Coach Carlson laughing at our dumb jokes in the car. My coaches are extraordinary people who are devoted, loving, and caring. And fortunately, our families are good friends, so I have the opportunity to see them often ;)

 

I appreciate the all Country folks so much, for accepting me and encouraging me to play well. They are all beautiful girls, and I know I'll see them again. After all, my brother is starting Country basketball next month :)

 

 

Tired of tolerance

I love a good thrill. I enjoy the suspense of opening Christmas presents, I like letting people use me as a prop for risky stunts, and I love surprises (if someone can actually pull it off). So as Halloween approaches, you may be wondering if I enjoy the eerie atmosphere of ghosts, zombies, vampires, graveyards, hanging skeletons, scary masks and haunted forests.

The short answer is no. Actually, quite frankly, the demon decorations and zombie balls around here scare me. Not because I am afraid (I'm not), but because I am worried for people's souls. Our culture accepts blood and murder, evil and witchcraft as harmless fun. But that's not what worries the most. What breaks my heart is that my brothers and sisters in Christ see blood and murder, evil and witchcraft as harmless fun.

I remember when the zombie movie "Word War Z" came out a couple months ago, and my friends went to go see it. I remember shaking my head sadly as I thought of what they were filling their minds with, and I wondered if they truly knew how much it hurt God's heart for them to be watching that kind of entertainment.

Zombies, monsters, witches, spirit-things, all of it. Some might argue that it's just harmless fun that isn't affecting anyone and that God wants us to enjoy ourselves. What makes us think that God is pleased when He sees us finding entertainment in things that are against His very nature? If we think that God is pleased with murder and evil spirits, we do not truly know God. If we think He doesn't care, we are deceiving ourselves because God cares so much about every aspect of our lives. God is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, and He desires us to love and follow His example. How can we do that if we are filling our minds with and participating in evil? How can I claim to truly love God if I willingly place myself in a situation where his enemy is celebrated?

Because in truth, finding entertainment in things that are contrary to my faith means I am concentrating on the devil and alternate powers instead of God. Zombies murdering people, vampires sucking blood, monsters attacking people, witches casting spells. All of it is the work of the enemy, so there should be no reason to support it. Oh wait, maybe because it's "fun" ;) Bad excuse.

Honestly, you can do whatever you want with the free will you've been given. But I'd like to invite all of you to seriously consider the material you watch, listen to, and participate in, and judge whether or not you are fully living for Christ. "For you were called for freedom, brothers. But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather, serve one another through love." Galatians 5:13

I don't know about you, but I want to go against the tolerance of evil in our culture. For too long, I have been afraid to speak out for my beliefs because of what people would think. I have watered-down my convictions to fit in, neglected to give my reasons for why I wouldn't do certain things. But how can I be a light if I myself am in darkness? The more I fill myself with sin, the more of God I push out in the process. I know God will never leave me, but there have been times when I put Christ on the back burner so I could pursue my own way. Didn't work out too well, fyi.

I realize that the only way to overcome evil is through Christ. The battle I fight is a losing one unless the Spirit of God is on my side. I sort of feel like a spiritual Joan of Arc, ready fight for battle but fearing that fellow Christians are ready to burn me at the stake. But God equips those He calls. "Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from His mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with the flesh, but with principalities, with powers, with world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God that you may be able to resist on the evil day and having done everything to hold your ground." Ephesians 6:10-13

So this Halloween, I encourage you to really think about what you participate in. Let us glorify God with what we say and do, not just on Halloween, but every day of our lives.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me [Paul]. Then the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4: 8-9 

Sacred tears

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

The moments I am tempted to become bitter, the times I want to shut out my pain and block out the world. The moments when I want to be angry for my trials instead of grateful for my blessings. The moments when I want to cave in, curl up, and hide away. The times when I forget the meaning of love and the importance of forgiveness. During these moments, I will remember:

"There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contribution, of unspeakable love." Washington Irving

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

Write a psalm

Tonight at youth group, each individual wrote their own psalm. It was a form of prayer, they told us. Even if you're not poetic, they said, write one anways.

I am poetic, contrary to what you may think. I write songs, which are poems to music, in essence. I love to recite eloquent words with passion. Whenever I have to say my verse for volleyball, I say it with meaning and purpose. I speak from the heart.

I understand that people rarely see my soft side; the side that mourns over convicts in prison, the part of me that yearns to reach to starving children in third world countries. If I told of my dreams, many would laugh. How could a girl with such nice clothes and styled hair want to be a missionary? Who would believe me?

No, that part of me is usually locked away, deep inside. Because what would people think if they truly saw my heart? The beautiful part of my heart. If they saw it, they would try to ruin it. Because watching those nasty movies is really fun, you see. You'll like the haunted corn maze with the zombies and demons lurking. You'll want to dance to the raunchy music. But I will not be persuaded. The person they are really trying to convince is themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if that part of me exists anymore. But I know, deep inside me, it's still there. It may be hiding in the dark, afraid to reveal itself, afraid to be vulnerable. It may be masked with insecurities, fearful to be sold-out for Jesus. Afraid to love. Because love opens the heart to pain.

I have loved, and I have lost. I have given myself and been abandoned. I have been a friend and been betrayed. I have offered a second chance and been taken for granted. I have shared what I own and been taken advantage of. I have loved, and have not been loved back. 

My pain is disguised as anger. I am always on the lookout for enemies, because anything with beauty has predators looking to destroy it. I am "strong," to show that I will not be a doormat. But in reality, my strength is my weakness. The beauty I posses is masked by my fear, my fear of love, my fear of loneliness, my fear of innocence.

 The world sees innocence and tries to defile it. The culture sees beauty and attempts to thwart it. People see love, and they choose to hate instead. I have been defiled, thwarted, and hated. And I in turn have defiled, thwarted, and hated.

Innocence is beautiful. It is lovely, but I am afraid of it. I am afraid because I will be a target. I will be seen as "inexperienced," and "sheltered." I will be old-fashioned and conservative. I will be a "homeschooled kid who doesn't know a thing about reality."

Is it worth it?

Yes. Because I do know about reality. I have experienced it. And I have seen enough of the world to decide I don't want it.

I want to be a poet. I want to express my true beliefs- with love. I want my heart to be open to pain, because then I will have the courage to feel.

I want to write a psalm.

Psalm 139

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Get that song off repeat!

I feel sometimes like my life is a song.

Monday was definitely a "Miracles Happen" day (those of you who have seen Princess Diaries know what I'm talking about). I realized halfway through the day at school that my carpool and I had forgotten to place our carpool permits in the dash of my car (translation: $50 ticket). Of course, I was on my way to my last class- across campus- so there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was hope and pray that the inspector was somehow oblivious to the fact that we were parked in a carpool spot without permits, but internally, I knew it was a slim chance. Turns out the improbable became the verdit- no parking ticket for me! Thank God!

Other days, as I mentioned in my last blog post, resemble more "Ordinary Day" by ZOEgirl. The song says: "Things are crazy but it's all right. You make me feel alright again. When it rains you are the sunshine.That lights me up from deep with in."

Today isn't either one of those days: Unfortunately, today is.... the song that never ends.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the song, it goes like this: "This is the song that never ends. It goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now we can't stop singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends. It goes on and on...." And on and on and gets really annoying.

Days like this seem like a skipping record. I always feel a little bit like, "I'm pretty sure I've already been through this before."

So, you may ask. What exactly makes today the never-ending song?

I got in trouble. Again. Grounded. Uh-huh. That's right. AGAIN. And after 112 times of listening to "The song that never ends" I am sooo ready for it to stop.


I should like to insert here that the episodes which result in my grouchiness often happen when I am in one of two situations: 1) When I am under high stress situations where my brain is overloaded (e.g. first week of school) and 2) A few days before I experience that monthly phenomenon that knocks me in the gut. Literally. (e.g. today).

I suppose I am insane. Because, yes, I do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. But woe is me, no different result ever shows. I need therapy.

I guess the only way to stop getting in trouble is to shape up my attitude. Or learn better stress and anger management. Or all of the above.

The point is that I can make that record stop skipping at any time. I need to quit pressing "Random play" and letting my emotions dictate my behavior. I can calmly walk over to my internal stereo and press the skip button. Next song, please.

I can move on. My headaches, my emotions, my fears, my stress, my insecurities- none if it is too big for God. I need to remember that He is strong enough to overcome all the things I can't. Sometimes I literally cannot be kind. I don't have enough strength for it. But God does. And that is why Jesus lives inside me- to help me live a life that is truly worth singing about.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13