2013 Recap: Highs, Lows, and becoming an Aunt

Every year, my only New Year's resolution is to have the best year of my life. Fortunately, every year, I successfully complete it. It's such a joy to know that my life is getting more full every year. Since 2013 is coming to a close, I'd like to highlight some moments of the year that were especially memorable...

1. Stephanie's wedding- This was a bittersweet event. The joining of Steph and Philip was so beautiful, but also very sad because the marriage meant that my sis would be moving far away (aka 5 hours). The whole thing was really fun and wonderful and grace-filled. Everything went (almost) perfectly, but in the end, my whole family grew closer because of it.

The wedding party (L to R)

Brandon (honor attendant), Me (Bridesmaid), Jacob (groomsman)

Jordan (Maid-of-honor), Stephanie (the Bride!) Rebecca (Flower Girl)

Philip (Groom), Mark (Best Man), Elizabeth (Bridesmaid), Eric (Groomsman)

Putting on the veil before the ceremony... *sigh* So pretty!

2. Becoming an aunt- This seriously takes the cake for best memory EVER (I wanted to put this as #1, but the wedding came first, so I had to get it in order :)! Stephanie and Philip were going to announce at Thanksgiving, but because they were so sick, they had to wait until Christmas (when she was already 9 weeks along). BTW, I am laughing really hard because I accidentally just wrote "9 months" instead of "9 weeks." But even though she isn't THAT far along, she is already starting to show! Welcome to the family, Baby Vander Veen.

3. Turning 16- Which of course means getting my license. Definitely a good thing to happen because I needed to drive myself to school every day. And other places... like parties. And doctor's appointments. Among other things. And of course, having my Sweet 16 means having a big birthday bash. Complete with hay bales, cowgirl attire, dancing, and stick horses (oh dear. If it sounds dangerous, it is). My inner country girl shines through.

Too many people to name. If you don't recognize someone, it's ok.

I don't either :)

It's not uncommon for me to not know people at my birthday parties.

Seriously.

4. Being in a play for the first time since I was 10- Not such a good memory, but it was so embarrassing, I will never forget it. Everyone knew their lines, but the acting/script was so cheesy, we all cringe every time we think about it. The characters were just awkard: my friend Lizzy and I were supposed to "fight" (scary), my friend Eric was supposed to be my husband (scarier), and my friend Jacob was supposed to be my dad (scariest). I am groaning as I think that we actually did that in front of people... yikes. And no, I am not posting pictures of this one!

5. Starting college- Kind-of a big deal. I did really well my first quarter, earning a spot on the President's List (which is hopefully a permanent thing :). In all honestly, college is a lot harder than high school, but also very rewarding. I am so thankful to my mom for making sure I got a good education, because some of the things I learned in my courses at CBC were actually easier than my home-school work! But I still learned a lot this quarter, and I'm hoping to do just as well next quarter, which starts in approximately 6 days.

 The first day at Columbia Basin College

My friend Eric M. and I carpooled when I was in 6th and 7th grade.

Now we are carpooling for college :)

6. Montana/Spokane trip to drop of Lizzy- When we dropped of Lizzy in Montana (which was a LOT of hours in the car, btw), we stayed the night then headed back to Spokane for a few days. Then we met up with our good friends the Diaz's at Silverwood, which was fun but also very scary. I tried the new ride (Spin Cycle), lived through the Sky Diver (which I'd always been to scared to try before), and my harness was making weird noises on Aftershock. I am very happy I lived through it :)

 

On our way to Spokane from Montana.

As you can see, the kids are fooling around in the back :)

It was a loooooong drive.

 7. SEARCH Retreat- Life changer for SURE. The three day weekend for confirmation-prep was so amazing! It was hilarious, surprising, and totally filled with love. This retreat is something I will never forget- the things that happened there were great reminders of what God is all about.

8. Saying goodbye to the year- An event that happens every year. It's always hard, but I know I have something to look forward to. I love the moments when I look back on my life and remember all the hardships, blessings, and excitement that happened throughout the year. I am content with how my year turned out, and I can't wait to see what next year brings. Now it's time to wave goodbye to the past and step foot into the unknown of the future.

I'm wishing you all a Happy New Year filled with God's blessings and love!

May 2014 be filled with more growth, new experiences, and increased laughter.

And may I always be the person God created me to be. 

Even if that's a little cheesy at times :)

"“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain

 

Simple Christmas

This year, we did Christmas a little bit differently: We did all of our presents over the weekend. And I'm thankful for that because now I can focus on the true meaning of Christmas instead of the superficial traditions.

Sometimes I get so buried in the presents, food, stockings, family time, mirror time (gotta look good for those pictures), Christmas cards, snow, apparel, excitement, and activities that I forget. I forget why it's called Christ-mas Day. I get so wrapped up in Christmas shopping and decking-the-halls that I forget why I am celebrating and what- the birth of Jesus Christ, my Savior.

I myself have had some pretty extravagant birthday parties, but in the end, I often wonder if people actually came to celebrate me and my life, or if they only came for the good food. I betcha God feels the same way... I bet He just wishes we could stop worrying about the tablecloths and wreaths and everything and just focus on the glory, mystery, and humility of the Nativity.

I had an opportunity to go to the Living Nativity production put on by a local church. I sat in awe as I watched, shivering outside in the cold as I'm sure the Holy Family did. I watched as the soldiers galloped with their flaming torches down the steep and treacherous hill to terrorize the shepherds and village people. I saw a donkey carry the Mother of the Christ Child into a stable filled with hay and a manger to lay the newborn baby. I witnessed the camels and horses that carried the Magi to the foot of the only true King. I saw the shepherds leave their warm fires when they saw the angel, to trek in the darkness to the resting place of the Child Jesus. I saw them all bow in homage to Him, and I realized the blessed sacrifice and glory that took place in that stable.

Yes, I know they were all acting. But the reenactment of the Nativity made me realize the splendor of that cold Christmas night. That God chose the humblest and crudest surroundings for the most joyous and glorious event to take place. Yet I am so focused on the celebration and hoop-lah of it all, that I miss the point.

God didn't want the materialistic celebration- He could've chosen a palace for the King to be born, with robes of gold and jewels to wrap Him in, a proper welcome for royalty. He could've had servants to bathe Him, to lather Him with oils and perfumes instead of the stench of barn animals. He could've had entire Kingdoms bow before Him. He is God, after all.

But instead He chose the shepherds. He chose the Magi to bring gold, frankincense, and myrrh, but not even those gifts could compare to the welcome He deserved. But it was perfect. It was exactly how it was meant to be.

And that is how I should celebrate His birth- simple, yet full of love. Focused entirely on Him and nothing else. My heart should bow in homage to the King in the manger, and remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Remember how the story goes,
God's gift was wrapped in swaddling clothes,
Beneath the star, one great and holy night.
The shepherds heard the angels sing,
The wise man brought an offering,
Peace on Earth began in Bethelethm
Have we lost the reason that we celebrate each year?
What is Christmas?
If there never was a Savior wrapped in a manger.
What is Christmas?
If the angels never sang 'Glory to the new born king?'
What is Christmas without Christ? Kutless

Christmas Sweaters 101

Its that time of year again- time to pull out the nativity scene, deck the halls... AND retrieve the ugly Christmas sweaters. It's the one time of the year that wearing over-size, teddy bear t-shirts is in. And I am taking advantage of it, ladies and gents. I done went on a shopping spree.

I would like to share with thee the wonders of my ugly sweater wardrobe (which my mother does NOT think fits the "ugly sweater" criteria. However, Mom, I will not give up! I have plans in the near future that may involve some gluing of tinsel and poking holes with ornaments...I DO have a Christmas party this weekend.) For comparison purposes, I have matched up my sweaters with other famous people who wear the same type.

#1: The "Brandon Heath" Sweater

 

This type of sweater is one that you can't decide if it is normal or not.

It signifies the fine line between "nerd" and "cool-kid"

In my case, the sweater equals nerd.

Look at my face- and the tassle on the zipper- and the TURTLENECK!

Yikes. 

Definitely an ugly sweater in my book :) 

Although you may see me wearing it in public.

 

See? I am telling you, there is a resemblance between Brandon and me :)

 

#2: The "Stuart" Sweater

 

 This is one of those not-so-cute sweaters that you wear because, well... it's comfy!

Just make sure the guy you like doesn't see you in it because it'll look like you've gained 20 lbs :)

Nevertheless, this sweater is a must because it shows you don't place your value in how you dress.

And wearing this sweater (which I am right now) makes me feel a sense of power.

Because, as Stuart says, "Today, I've decided to take a risk, and wear a new sweater"

 

 

Stuart from "Stuart Saves His Family."

If you haven't seen it, don't.

If you have, you are probably laughing hysterically right now.

 

#3: The Sandra Bullock Sweater

 

Anyone who has ever seen "While You Were Sleeping" KNOWS that this is one of those sweaters.

One of those that coaxes out the, "Hey Luce, I like your... uh... sweater."

Five sizes to big, but comfortable as nobody's business.  

While I admit my face looks a little more like Joe Junior than Sandra, you can't deny the fact that this sweater is practically the essence of the whole plot of that movie.

 

This is a really bad pic, but the only one I could find that remotely captures

 the sweaters Lucy wears in the movie. 

 Of course, there are many more types of ugly Christmas sweaters (including the "looking-at-you-hurts-me" type)"... If you have one and want to show me, please send me a pic! I'd love to see it :) If you don't have one, you better get one. There's no other time where you can look like an idiot but completely normal at the same time. Take advantage of the few weeks left where people will accept the weird things you never get to wear otherwise. Go out, and get yo-self a Christmas sweata!

"Code of Elves- #4. The second best way to spread Christmas cheer is wearing ugly sweaters this time of year!" Buddy the Elf*

*How many of you are going to go watch "Elf" to see if that was legit? :) LOL, anyone who has seen it in the last year know I am on the Naughty list for this one. Sadly, the quote is false :( I just made it up. There is no #4 in the Code of Elves, but IF there was, that would be it.

Busted

It's dark. Someone knocks on the window. All I can see is the flashing of lights in my rear-view mirror. Panic surges through me as I search for my wallet. Gulp.

I got pulled over for the first time. Let me repeat myself for emphasis-- I GOT PULLED OVER.

I was on the way home from my first basketball game of the season (we won, by the way, 26-25 against CK). Before I knew what was happening, I saw those dreaded colored lights. No, not a decorated Christmas house way over done (you know what I'm talking about). It was a policeman. Actually, not one, but two.

This is how the conversation went:

(Officer knocks on window)

Officer: I'm going to need to see your license, insurance, and registration please (Oh shoot, what does registration papers look like again??). How old are you?

Me: Umm... 16?

Officer: Are those you're siblings?

Me: Uh, yeah, this is Jacob and Becky (I really hope he believes me because I have no proof, other than the fact that they kind-of look like me)

Officer: (looking at my card) Do you know why I pulled you over? (silence) I pulled you over because you didn't turn on your signal soon enough, and you didn't fully stop at the stop sign. Is there a reason why you didn't stop?

Me: (shoot. Don't really have a good reason.) I just wanted to get home, I guess.

Officer: If I send you with a warning, will you turn your signal on sooner next time and stop completely next time? (HECK TO THE YES).

Me: I said something like, "ABSOLUTELY," probably stuttering a lot trying to convince the officer that PLEASE! I am a good person! I follow the law (most of the time) and don't deserve to have my criminal record forever tainted in the eyes of the law!

The officer asked me a couple more questions regarding my sisters age (booster seat inquiary), and it was then I noticed another officer diligently examining my car with his flashlight outside my sister's window... Scary!

After they both left, I just started doing that "I-just-saw-a-spider" scream because WHAT just happened? I got pulled over, that's what! When they let me off the hook, I just starting praying for them to be blessed because I did NOT want a ticket, and they didn't give me one. No siree.

I think they were really out for a drug bust or drunk driving or something. I am SO glad right now to be a good little Christian girl who was going home from a church basketball game. No drugs, no alcohol, no weapons (that I'm aware of... who knows when deodorant will become the next pepper spray?) no license rules broken. Thank God I am a rule-follower...most of the time.

I'm just glad I got out of this one alive. I probably looked really sketchy, with my sweaty hair strewn about, my make-up all sweated off, and smelling like who-knows-what. I probably had a deer-in-the-headlights look, and I did do a California stop after all. One of my friends jokingly mentioned that driving like that could land me jail. It's funny now, but you never know what could happen with me. So be saving some bail money for me, dear friends.

"A good friend would visit you in jail. A great friend would bail you out. I would be in the next cell."

All I want for Christmas

Today is the first day of December, and people have already been asking me what I want for Christmas. And until today, I had no idea.

At first, I was really practical about it, thinking, "Okay, so how about Mom pays for my tuition as a Christmas present? Or maybe some self-help books, cause I could probably use those..." However, my mom shot my ideas down from the sky. She said that Christmas gifts should come from the heart and shouldn't just be a roll-over of something she was already going to give me anyway. Yeah, yeah I see the point. I guess it wouldn't really be very special- it's like getting white socks for Christmas. It's never happened to me, but I imagine it would not be very exciting... Getting underwear is fun though :)

ANYWAYS, today I figured out what I want. And it all started with a hairdo.

I am going through a phase (some may say an identity crisis) where I am super into old school. The past couple weeks, I've been rocking the nerd glasses and leggings. So tonight for church, I styled my hair like I was straight out of Full House. I've never felt so free!

 

Finally, when I was driving the clan home tonight, it hit me. "Mom," I said. "All I want for Christmas is leg warmers."

And I'm not even kidding. I think I may have discombobulated Mom a little bit... I keep telling her all the old stuff is back in again, but she shakes her head and tells me that she lived through the "old stuff" and it was NOT cool. Denial.

Anyways, leg-warmers are on the top of my wish list, for all you who were wondering. And who knows, maybe when you see me wearing them, I'll look like the lovely chic below. You all know I would, too :)

 

 

 



Thankful for the silence

Today, I spent 4 hours in silence. No talking allowed. Yikes.

I know, half of you are probably falling out of your chairs thinking that I, an extreme extrovert, could spend 4 hours without talking, texting, listening to music, using any form of electronics or communication devices, reading or writing *gasp!* This is too much... :)

Believe me, it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to. In my psychology class, we were assigned to pick a task and test it out on our well-being. So of course, I picked the hardest one-- the one I knew I needed the most. Which was half a day of silence. Oh dear.

I started the silence experiment at 1:00 in the afternoon. I bundled up nice and warm, fixed myself some French Vanilla hot chocolate (which was delicious, by the way), and set out to hike Badger. It was a great and relaxing way to get some exercise, and the scenery was beautiful! However, my hike didn't go exactly according to plan...

I got lost. Somewhere along the way, I ended up on the other side of the mountain. Whoops.

 

I didn’t know where I was going and ended up somehow hiking three different trails. I went all the way around the mountain, then to the top, then back down. I was only planning on a short hike, but I ended up being there for about an hour and a half (I walked over 3 miles trying to find my way).

 

I was nervous that it would get dark, and since I had no concept of time, I didn’t know when the sun would set (I’d been walking for a while). And of course, I didn’t think to ask any of the few other hikers because I wasn’t supposed to be talking! Ah well, I made it down eventually, although I was very happy to finally be on flat ground!

 

Another problem I ran into: I couldn't exactly keep entirely silent on Badger. The others hikers on the trail were very friendly, and almost every single one of the said “Hello” or “Hi” to me as we passed. I did break the silence a little bit, BUT it was only because I couldn’t be the jerk who just walks past everyone else and their dog (literally) without making eye contact. So I usually just smiled and made a sharp exhaling noise that sounded like “Hi,” so I could get away with it.

 

Even though it wasn't what I was expecting, it was exactly what I needed. It was still very enjoyable, and the beauty took my breath away. 
 

Once the hike was over, I drove down to the river. I mostly just sat and examined the scene around me, although I did walk around a bit for a different views. It was very relaxing just to soak in the serenity around me. After that, I drove to a place where I could best see the clouds of the sunset. I pretty much just took in all the sights around me. After that, I went to Adoration and just sat silently for a long time. I finished up my day with a relaxing bath at home (although the silence part didn’t go so well with other people talking in my house :)

Contrary to what you might think (me being an "extrovert" and all), this experiment was actually very beneficial for me. I hardly am ever silent, and even when I think I’m being silent, it’s usually because I’m on some form of electronic. The silence made me so much more aware of my surroundings. I could actually appreciate the nature around me. One thing that I found out about myself is that I often try to fill the silence.

For example, driving in the car. When driving during the experiment, I actually had time to think instead of just mindlessly jamming to my music in the car. I did notice that sometimes I started randomly singing before I caught myself- I wasn’t used to it being so quiet in my car!

I definitely think the silence affected me very positively because as an extrovert, I rarely have time to just be quiet and think about… well, nothing! I thought that during this experiment that I would get bored, or even worse, start thinking about homework and all the stuff I needed to get down. However, being quiet was easier than I thought.

This experiment basically felt like a stress detox- I wasn’t hiking to lose weight, I was doing it for enjoyment. I didn’t sit quietly to try to brainstorm for my research essay, I sat and absorbed and felt. All the things I never noticed before became more special than ever.

Overall, silence has helped me appreciate the small things I usually take for granted. So this Thanksgiving, eat a little turkey and pumpkin pie, but more importantly, don't forget to quiet your heart and really pay attention to the little things you are grateful for. 

 "To be grateful is to recognize the love of God in everything." Thomas Merton

Amidst the suffering

Mother Teresa was an awesome woman. And frankly, her poem "Anyways" pretty much seems to sum up my life right now. The past couple days, I have been extremely tempted to just give up, pull my covers over my head, and hide away in a cave until my world is made right again.

So much has happened recently to make me question my strength. Everything has been stripped away, and it is all I can do to hold my head up.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not depressed, that God will take care of me and so on. Recently, I have just been so angry and confused, wondering why my life seems to make ZERO sense. Wondering why God doesn't seem to be intervening in the way I want Him to. Wondering if it would be better not to pray than to ask for a miracle and be denied.

I've been seriously asking myself how in the world I can forgive the ones who have scarred and damaged my heart. Do you remember the scene in Ever After, the day after the disastrous dance when the prince finds out Danielle is really a servant? In this scene, Danielle's hopes of love have been utterly crushed, and her jerk mother just won't shut up about what a fool the poor girl is. The profound moment for me is when Danielle says these shocking words to her mother: You've won.

That's exactly how I feel. After years of shielding myself from the words like daggers, after constantly pushing back those who've tried to stifle my will, after what feels like an eternity of suffering, I just want to say, "Ok. You've won. I give up." But I know doing so would break my will. Once I hand over my power to those who wish to control me, I am lost to myself. To stand my ground is to decide that I will continue to draw strength from the Lord, that I will forgive, but not be walked upon.

But will I benefit to stand my ground, to value my worth even if others don't? If I do, they will pound down upon me even harder. It's a battle of wills- but is the one who forgives the one who relents? I am not a doormat. But sometimes forgiveness seems like a sign on my forehead, saying, "Treat me how you want. I'll forgive you no matter what. Go ahead and trample me." At times, I am torn. Can I believe in my value yet forgive the wounds caused by others? Pain is such a confusing feeling.

This poem reminds me why I choose to forgive instead of hate, why I choose to believe God instead of what others say. It's not about anyone else. It's not about how people treat me or how they talk about me. It's about doing the right thing, not for them, but for God.

Lord, even if I am treated wrong, even if I am passed over or punished because I hold to my standards, even if I am never comforted or loved by the ones who should, through the suffering, I will forgive. I will be kind. I will succeed. I will be honest. I will build. I will be happy. I will do good. And I will give the world my best. Not for them. But for You.  

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; 

It was never between you and them anyway." Mother Teresa

Facepalm moments

If I could sum up my life in one quote, it might sound a little like this: "Sometimes you embarrass me." (Tarzan, anyone??) Sadly, this is very true. Let me enlighten you.

First off, my "most embarrassing moment" changes about every 2 weeks. There's not one time where I really made a fool of myself... it seems to happen quite often. Most times I start cringing and smacking myself on the forehead thinking, "Why, oh WHY did I just do that?!?" while everyone around me breaks into hysterics. Eventually, I laugh at myself too. Sometimes, really hard. Like today.

Anyone in my family will tell you, it is not uncommon for me to be busting it out on the dance floor (aka our living room) at random moments of the day. I do it for exercise, but tell that to my siblings, and they'd probably laugh and respond, "Really. Is that what she says." (they see right through me- they know where I'm headed. Dancing with the Stars, baby!)

Anyways, today I was doing one of my dance "exercises" to a catchy electro-pop song and getting my cardio in for the day. Right in the middle of this cool interpretive dance... thing, I randomly decided to look out the window (bad move).

My worst nightmare came true. My eyes met with a young woman walking up my driveway. Major cringe moment. It was terrible. I can't even describe my desire to jump into the closet. But I knew she'd seen me, so there was no way I could get out of answering the door.

I didn't know what to do, so I just calmly and nonchalantly opened the door after walking randomly around the house, trying to figure out how to redeem myself. All I could do was try to pull myself together and act like a business woman for this poor girl who just wanted somebody to buy her cookie dough for 4-H.

Yeesh.

It seems like incidences like this happen to me quite often. Just a few weeks ago, I was driving my friend to his car. We were stopped at a light where the car in front of us in the left turn lane had his right-turn signal on. After laughing over the abundance of bad drivers in America, I look down at my own blinker, and you guessed it. Looks like the joke was on me. My friend could not believe the irony of it, and we just laughed and laughed. Gotta love those facepalm moments.

Seriously though, embarrassing moments are good reminders that I'm not exempt from making mistakes. All too often I put this pressure on myself to be perfect and think I should be the best at everything without ever messing up. My blonde moments help me to put me back in my place while giving me the freedom to lighten up a little.

I've learned to laugh at myself (I can be pretty funny sometimes.... At least, I think so). And those moments when I just can't laugh at myself, I just laugh at other people (thank you, Tim Hawkins, for that nugget of wisdom :)

So far there is only one embarrassing moment that I still can't laugh about ten years later. All I will say is that it involves me dancing in a leotard. Oh, and I forgot about the time I drew on my face to look like an elf (I need to burn those pictures). Oh yeah, throw in all the stupid videos I've taken of myself and there is some serious blackmail material. Oh dear. It looks like I've still got a ways to go.

Yeesh.

More important than talent, strength, or knowledge is the ability to laugh at yourself and enjoy the pursuit of your dreams." Amy Grant

For they shall see God

I have a confession to make: I've never been kissed. I've never had a boyfriend. I for sure haven't tolerated any male critters in my bed. I've never told a guy I loved him. And I've never even been in one of those awkward "I like you and you like me, but we don't "date" so we're just going to date without making it official" relationships. Scandalous, I know :)

Until recently, I never really questioned the idea of purity. I always thought, "One day, I'll meet a guy who is pure like me and we'll get married *romantic sigh* and love God and have 12 kids and grow old together, and it'll all be hunky dory..." blah, blah, blah. Sounds perfect, right? But today I asked myself that horrible, I-don't-want-to-think-about-it-because-it-would-never-happen-I-hope question: What if my husband is NOT pure?? What then??

I follow a blog of a chastity speaker who just got married. This woman is a pure, beautiful, amazing, and hilarious person who saved intimacy for her wedding night. And unfortunately, her husband didn't. I can't imagine the grief I would feel to know that the beautiful things I saved for my husband, he carelessly spent having some college fling with his former girlfriend.

Stories like this make me wonder if it's worth it. All around me, I see teenage guys and girls throwing their hearts around, engaging in close physical contact, and making petty promises of fidelity when it's obvious the relationship won't last. What if my future husband is one of those people?

Today I told my mom, "Where is my promise that it will all be worth it? How do I know that there is a guy who is waiting for me? What's the use if there is no guarantee that there is someone out there who meets my standards? What if I saved everything only to find he has wasted all of it?"

I couldn't answer those questions. Because in my mind's eye, God didn't promise to give me a pure husband. However, as I found tonight, He did promise me something much greater than any earthly satisfaction.

Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.

There is my promise. There is my guarantee.

Even if my future husband has messed around and all my efforts to be pure seem to be for nothing, it doesn't matter. I can hold to the promise that my purity does mean something to God. God values my desire to save my heart enough to show me His heart.

I possess a relationship with Jesus that most people don't ever get to experience. The pain, the loneliness I feel has only brought me closer to the heart of the Lord. He has held me close during my times of trial and supplied all my needs. I have never felt closer to God than when I am making a tough choice that pleases Him. Because He is there, giving me strength and helping me.

It doesn't matter if I am the only one who will stick to my standard of purity. I am pure of heart, and I will (and have already) seen God. And regardless of the stupid things the people around me may indulge in, I know that I am blessed. Because God cares about purity.

And that is guarantee enough for me.

"To be pure, to remain pure, can only come at a price, the price of KNOWING God and loving Him enough to do His will. He always gives us the strength we need to keep purity as something beautiful for Him." Mother Teresa

New seasons

Yesterday was the awards ceremony for my volleyball team :( It makes me so sad to leave this season (literally) of my life. Volleyball with Country Christian changed my life in a wonderful way. In a time where I was missing my own sisters, God provided me with a family of 11 girls to encourage me, talk with me, and remind me that I could do it. This season, we spent so  much time traveling in the car, cracking hilarious jokes, singing songs with eloquent harmonies, and discussing thought-provoking topics. We laughed ourselves silly, sometimes for no reason except that Jana was laughing. We talked about boys, and how difficult yet essential it is to stay emotionally pure. And yes, we did talk about farming ;) And food! We talked about that, too, since the gals on my team are all culinary geniuses.

 

Our team theme this year was "Serve One," which concentrated on serving God, serving the team, and serving consistently on the court. By the end of the season, we were serving (and aiming) so well that one of the coaches from another team actually commented on it! Our defense struggled a little bit this year since we only had a few back row specialists, but our offense was booming. We had heaps of powerful hitters, some great blockers, and a couple of really strategic front row players who knew exactly when to tip the ball instead of spike.

 

 

Country Christian Varsity 2013

My lovely team (L to R)

   Coach Carlson

 Esther: Setter

                          Kimra: Middle hitter/blocker

              Jana: Right side hitter

                    Morgan: Right side hitter

Lizzy: Setter

                          Felicity: Defensive Specialist

                           Thea: Left/Right hitter/blocker

      Brittney: Libero

                    Me: Middle hitter/blocker

                                              Hannah S: Defensive Specialist/Right side

                                   Hannah B: Right/Left hitter/blocker

                         Marissa: Defensive Specialist

     Coach Nakamura

 

 

My teammates are excellent volleyball players, which drove me to work very hard. I was constantly examining their techniques for hitting and passing, two areas that I had a hard time catching onto at first. But everyone was very gracious to me, and encouraged me to play my best.   

 

I struggled with my place on the team because it was my first year, but all the other girls my age had played several years of volleyball before. I wanted to play, so the first two weeks of practice, I busted it. It was excruciating, but I gave 110% every day, hoping that it would pay off. It did.

 

Our very first game, I was a starter. Half of our games this season, I played all around. Halfway through the season, I was the starting server. Never would I have expected to have the chance to do these things, but it boosted my confidence immensely. My coach believed in me, my team believed in me, and all I needed to do to succeed was believe in myself. A little bit of a harder thing to do ;)

 

I learned so much about being a team player this year. I learned that winning isn't as important as playing well. I learned not to have expectations, and I will be satisfied with whatever result I get. I learned not to be intimidated by the better teams, but to put my game face on and act like I know what I'm doing (even if I don't). And most importantly, I learned that sitting on the bench doesn't mean I'm not an important part of the team. My value to the team isn't based on whether I play all game, every game, or whether I get every dig. As long as I am encouraging my teammates and lifting them up, I am doing something worthwhile.

 



 

Even though the season is over, I won't forget what I experienced and who I met. I am specifically so thankful to my coaches for devoting their time to this team and pouring into us. They inspired us to become better people. They contributed to our team bonding, whether Coach Nakamura was reading us a bedtime story on an overnight trip or Coach Carlson laughing at our dumb jokes in the car. My coaches are extraordinary people who are devoted, loving, and caring. And fortunately, our families are good friends, so I have the opportunity to see them often ;)

 

I appreciate the all Country folks so much, for accepting me and encouraging me to play well. They are all beautiful girls, and I know I'll see them again. After all, my brother is starting Country basketball next month :)

 

 

Tired of tolerance

I love a good thrill. I enjoy the suspense of opening Christmas presents, I like letting people use me as a prop for risky stunts, and I love surprises (if someone can actually pull it off). So as Halloween approaches, you may be wondering if I enjoy the eerie atmosphere of ghosts, zombies, vampires, graveyards, hanging skeletons, scary masks and haunted forests.

The short answer is no. Actually, quite frankly, the demon decorations and zombie balls around here scare me. Not because I am afraid (I'm not), but because I am worried for people's souls. Our culture accepts blood and murder, evil and witchcraft as harmless fun. But that's not what worries the most. What breaks my heart is that my brothers and sisters in Christ see blood and murder, evil and witchcraft as harmless fun.

I remember when the zombie movie "Word War Z" came out a couple months ago, and my friends went to go see it. I remember shaking my head sadly as I thought of what they were filling their minds with, and I wondered if they truly knew how much it hurt God's heart for them to be watching that kind of entertainment.

Zombies, monsters, witches, spirit-things, all of it. Some might argue that it's just harmless fun that isn't affecting anyone and that God wants us to enjoy ourselves. What makes us think that God is pleased when He sees us finding entertainment in things that are against His very nature? If we think that God is pleased with murder and evil spirits, we do not truly know God. If we think He doesn't care, we are deceiving ourselves because God cares so much about every aspect of our lives. God is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, and He desires us to love and follow His example. How can we do that if we are filling our minds with and participating in evil? How can I claim to truly love God if I willingly place myself in a situation where his enemy is celebrated?

Because in truth, finding entertainment in things that are contrary to my faith means I am concentrating on the devil and alternate powers instead of God. Zombies murdering people, vampires sucking blood, monsters attacking people, witches casting spells. All of it is the work of the enemy, so there should be no reason to support it. Oh wait, maybe because it's "fun" ;) Bad excuse.

Honestly, you can do whatever you want with the free will you've been given. But I'd like to invite all of you to seriously consider the material you watch, listen to, and participate in, and judge whether or not you are fully living for Christ. "For you were called for freedom, brothers. But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather, serve one another through love." Galatians 5:13

I don't know about you, but I want to go against the tolerance of evil in our culture. For too long, I have been afraid to speak out for my beliefs because of what people would think. I have watered-down my convictions to fit in, neglected to give my reasons for why I wouldn't do certain things. But how can I be a light if I myself am in darkness? The more I fill myself with sin, the more of God I push out in the process. I know God will never leave me, but there have been times when I put Christ on the back burner so I could pursue my own way. Didn't work out too well, fyi.

I realize that the only way to overcome evil is through Christ. The battle I fight is a losing one unless the Spirit of God is on my side. I sort of feel like a spiritual Joan of Arc, ready fight for battle but fearing that fellow Christians are ready to burn me at the stake. But God equips those He calls. "Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from His mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with the flesh, but with principalities, with powers, with world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God that you may be able to resist on the evil day and having done everything to hold your ground." Ephesians 6:10-13

So this Halloween, I encourage you to really think about what you participate in. Let us glorify God with what we say and do, not just on Halloween, but every day of our lives.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me [Paul]. Then the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4: 8-9 

Sacred tears

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

The moments I am tempted to become bitter, the times I want to shut out my pain and block out the world. The moments when I want to be angry for my trials instead of grateful for my blessings. The moments when I want to cave in, curl up, and hide away. The times when I forget the meaning of love and the importance of forgiveness. During these moments, I will remember:

"There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contribution, of unspeakable love." Washington Irving

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tears.html#BTQ5d7EgvuQajWjv.99

Write a psalm

Tonight at youth group, each individual wrote their own psalm. It was a form of prayer, they told us. Even if you're not poetic, they said, write one anways.

I am poetic, contrary to what you may think. I write songs, which are poems to music, in essence. I love to recite eloquent words with passion. Whenever I have to say my verse for volleyball, I say it with meaning and purpose. I speak from the heart.

I understand that people rarely see my soft side; the side that mourns over convicts in prison, the part of me that yearns to reach to starving children in third world countries. If I told of my dreams, many would laugh. How could a girl with such nice clothes and styled hair want to be a missionary? Who would believe me?

No, that part of me is usually locked away, deep inside. Because what would people think if they truly saw my heart? The beautiful part of my heart. If they saw it, they would try to ruin it. Because watching those nasty movies is really fun, you see. You'll like the haunted corn maze with the zombies and demons lurking. You'll want to dance to the raunchy music. But I will not be persuaded. The person they are really trying to convince is themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if that part of me exists anymore. But I know, deep inside me, it's still there. It may be hiding in the dark, afraid to reveal itself, afraid to be vulnerable. It may be masked with insecurities, fearful to be sold-out for Jesus. Afraid to love. Because love opens the heart to pain.

I have loved, and I have lost. I have given myself and been abandoned. I have been a friend and been betrayed. I have offered a second chance and been taken for granted. I have shared what I own and been taken advantage of. I have loved, and have not been loved back. 

My pain is disguised as anger. I am always on the lookout for enemies, because anything with beauty has predators looking to destroy it. I am "strong," to show that I will not be a doormat. But in reality, my strength is my weakness. The beauty I posses is masked by my fear, my fear of love, my fear of loneliness, my fear of innocence.

 The world sees innocence and tries to defile it. The culture sees beauty and attempts to thwart it. People see love, and they choose to hate instead. I have been defiled, thwarted, and hated. And I in turn have defiled, thwarted, and hated.

Innocence is beautiful. It is lovely, but I am afraid of it. I am afraid because I will be a target. I will be seen as "inexperienced," and "sheltered." I will be old-fashioned and conservative. I will be a "homeschooled kid who doesn't know a thing about reality."

Is it worth it?

Yes. Because I do know about reality. I have experienced it. And I have seen enough of the world to decide I don't want it.

I want to be a poet. I want to express my true beliefs- with love. I want my heart to be open to pain, because then I will have the courage to feel.

I want to write a psalm.

Psalm 139

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Get that song off repeat!

I feel sometimes like my life is a song.

Monday was definitely a "Miracles Happen" day (those of you who have seen Princess Diaries know what I'm talking about). I realized halfway through the day at school that my carpool and I had forgotten to place our carpool permits in the dash of my car (translation: $50 ticket). Of course, I was on my way to my last class- across campus- so there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was hope and pray that the inspector was somehow oblivious to the fact that we were parked in a carpool spot without permits, but internally, I knew it was a slim chance. Turns out the improbable became the verdit- no parking ticket for me! Thank God!

Other days, as I mentioned in my last blog post, resemble more "Ordinary Day" by ZOEgirl. The song says: "Things are crazy but it's all right. You make me feel alright again. When it rains you are the sunshine.That lights me up from deep with in."

Today isn't either one of those days: Unfortunately, today is.... the song that never ends.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the song, it goes like this: "This is the song that never ends. It goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now we can't stop singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends. It goes on and on...." And on and on and gets really annoying.

Days like this seem like a skipping record. I always feel a little bit like, "I'm pretty sure I've already been through this before."

So, you may ask. What exactly makes today the never-ending song?

I got in trouble. Again. Grounded. Uh-huh. That's right. AGAIN. And after 112 times of listening to "The song that never ends" I am sooo ready for it to stop.


I should like to insert here that the episodes which result in my grouchiness often happen when I am in one of two situations: 1) When I am under high stress situations where my brain is overloaded (e.g. first week of school) and 2) A few days before I experience that monthly phenomenon that knocks me in the gut. Literally. (e.g. today).

I suppose I am insane. Because, yes, I do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. But woe is me, no different result ever shows. I need therapy.

I guess the only way to stop getting in trouble is to shape up my attitude. Or learn better stress and anger management. Or all of the above.

The point is that I can make that record stop skipping at any time. I need to quit pressing "Random play" and letting my emotions dictate my behavior. I can calmly walk over to my internal stereo and press the skip button. Next song, please.

I can move on. My headaches, my emotions, my fears, my stress, my insecurities- none if it is too big for God. I need to remember that He is strong enough to overcome all the things I can't. Sometimes I literally cannot be kind. I don't have enough strength for it. But God does. And that is why Jesus lives inside me- to help me live a life that is truly worth singing about.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13 

College Kid

I am a college student now.

It feels really weird- I'm trying to figure out when exactly I became mature enough for this. I don't know that I am yet. I think perhaps this whole "Running Start" business is supposed to help me mature. I think.

My mom was concerned about me starting this year. She didn't know if I was ready. And honestly, after the first week of school, I wondered if she was right. My head hurt, I just wanted to sleep, and I was rude to my family. And I started calling myself the bad names that I'd heard my professors use (and some that I learned on my own. Or maybe from "The King's Speech") It was pretty not pretty.

The stress was just through the roof. I felt so much pressure for no reason. I am scared to death of being a failure, and what do you know? Things started failing for me when I let the negative patterns take over, which of course kept the vicious cycle going, and so on.

But thankfully, my priorities have been straightened out. Thank you, Mom, for your prayers in Seattle :) This weekend has been so relaxing for me. I actually had time to do a blog post, which is saying something.

One thing I realized about college: It's not my life. It's not my God. It's a tool to help me learn. And I am learning so much, specifically in my Psychology class. It makes me rethink my decision not to become a clinical counselor- I could so see myself doing psychology as a living.

This next week, I am working really hard on keeping my focus where it needs to be. I shouldn't be dreaming about volleyball during speech class. I shouldn't be thinking about school (or *clearing throat* boys) during daily Mass. And I probably shouldn't be doing a blog post when I should be reading "Utopia" for English class. Oh dear. I have quite a ways to go.  

I miss my Lizzy

Last week, we dropped off Elizabeth in Helena, Montana. Yep, the time has come. Lizzy is now an official Reach Youth Ministries team member. Gone are the days of youthful bliss- the days that require maturity and patience have come.

The crazy thing is that Lizzy is an adult now- she is capable of fending for 9 months by herself. As much as I hate to admit it, she is probably managing just fine without my reminding her every five seconds to pick up her stuff. I imagine her ears are no longer ringing from my incessant questions. I have to admit, I am the perfect stereotype of a "little sister": helplessly annoying yet loved dearly (at least I think loved dearly ;)

 

I feel like this picture sums up our relationship well:

I look like I just did something really stupid, and Lizzy is just

looking at me like, "Please tell me you did NOT just do that" ;)

But seriously, I am the older sister now. I am the oldest. I can do this (actually, I am just saying that to make myself feel better. I really don't know if I can do this).

The fact of the matter is, I miss being the younger sister. To be blunt, I miss Lizzy. Yeah, I was jealous of her. A lot. And I was kind-of a brat to her. A lot. But she was a good older sister. She encouraged me and critiqued me and helped me become a better person. She taught me to work hard- she never went easy on me. She didn't even let me win checkers.

 Life has just seemed a little more lonely without Lizzy here. It was bad enough when Stephanie left us, but now the emptiness just seems like a little too much. Actually, I tried sleeping in my own bed after Lizzy left, but for some reason I hardly got a wink of sleep. The next night, again, I tried to sleep in my room, but I just couldn't sleep peacefully. I then realized that I just don't think I can sleep in my room alone. For years, I've begged for my own room, but now I see how lonely and tiresome it is not to have somebody to chat with into the night. Both my old "roomates" have moved out, and now I'm laying here wondering how the heck I'm supposed to sleep by myself. Impossible.

I hope I can sleep tonight- hopefully I'll feel better after lamenting, my bowl of ice cream in tow. But ice cream can't heal a broken heart; it will only make me fat, and then Lizzy and I won't be able to share clothes when she does come back. I guess there is still hope for the future- 9 months isn't forever. But it's long enough for me to be able to truly appreciate who she is and what she brought to our family- something I should've done long ago.

"They say you never know what you've got til it's gone." Tobymac