Set apart sinners

I didn't quite know what his response would be when I told him I was a Christian.

"I knew you were," he responded casually.

How did you know?" I asked, interested to hear his response.

"I could tell by the way you carried yourself."

When I heard those words, I felt blown away. He acted as though my Christianity was the most obvious thing in the world. And he knew because of the way I carried myself.

I've only known this young man for a few weeks. I met him at work- he comes into the library to study, and whenever I see him around, we chat for a few minutes about our weekends and our jobs, and we go our separate ways. Yet even from our minimal interaction, he noticed that there was something different about me. Something that set me apart.

After he made that comment, we continued to have a conversation about faith. He proceeded to tell me that he was raised religiously (Mormon), but because of their lack of reverence, he left. In this five minute conversation with a man I hardly knew, I felt that he was truly wise. He didn't want a lukewarm faith. He saw the lack of passion and the boredom surrounding his church, and he didn't like it. God himself even said "I would rather you be hot or cold, but the lukewarm I will spit out of my mouth."

For a long time, I have thought that I was a crappy Christian, that over and over again, God kept spitting me out His mouth until I became the 'perfect' Christian. All my life, my focus has been on improvement, trying and trying and trying to be good enough. Good enough for God. Good enough for my family. Good enough for me. And I always fell short. Always.

But this conversation today really encouraged me. I thought that unless I was on my knees or speaking in tongues, that I was just like every other person. That my Christianity wasn't evident. But it was. Even when I thought I wasn't doing enough to further God's kingdom, my relationship with Christ was still impacting people. My actions have spoken louder than my words. And they've spoken loud enough that I don't even  have to open my mouth for others to know I'm a Christian. They can just look at me and they know.

That being said, the fact that others recognize Christ in me completely extinguishes the idea that one must be perfect to be a witness. I'm still not perfect *sigh.* I still fight with my mom. I still cry, yell, and sulk. I still turn to chocolate to satisfy my craving for love (I'm working on that one... :). I am still paranoid about money and whether or not God will provide for my needs. I still have a messy room, an unmanageable life, and dirty laundry that is screaming "Would you please just WASH me already?!?"

But you know what? God can use me in my mess. Everyday, I try. I fall. I get up. I try again. And most of the time, I don't succeed. At least not in the way I think I should.

But I hold my head up high. I persevere because I really, really, really want to live for God. I don't compromise my morals. I present myself in a way that honors God. I know that I may be the only person someone will ever meet that claims to be a Christian. What do I want them to think??

Today, I realized that I am doing alright. I keep keeping on. God is using me. And I may not be evangelizing while I check out people's books for them, but I am making a difference. They see Christ in me. They see Him in the way I dress. They see Him in the way I walk. They see Him in my attitude.

And if God can use someone so hopelessly flawed to further His kingdom, I fully believe that no flaw is hopeless to God.

"Preach the Gospel. If necessary, use words." St. Francis of Assisi

The Logic of Love

I heard once that all romance stories consist of one of three plotlines:


A. Girl likes boy. Boy doesn't like girl. By the end of the movie, boy likes girl.
B. Boy likes girl. Girl doesn't like boy. By the end of the movie, girl likes boy.
C. Boy #1 likes Girl #1. Boy #2 likes Girl #2. By the end of the movie, Boy #1 likes Girl #2. How did that happen??? No one knows.


Who knew that talking about romance could actually feel logical? Of course its logical, I often think to myself. Romance is totally logical. A leads to B leads to C leads to... and so on and so forth.


In our little heads, romance isn't complicated at all. It's all about the feelings. "They were meant to be together all along," we think to ourselves. We justify the broken engagements, the altering of personalities, because in our heads, having 'feelings' for someone means its going to work out. And we'll all live happily ever after. The end. Totally logical.


Not really. If anything, romance is like one of those algebra problems (math haters, plug your ears aka shield your eyes) where you solve an equation for x and come up with ZERO answer other than "X= y squared plus the cube root of (z plus 3) times 2i all divided by .23j plus k. Yeah. Read it again. If someone can take that equation and make it equal a nice tidy number, give me a call. I would like to meet with you and give you a psychological examination.


My point is, romance stories often don't portray the entirety of relationships. The plotline doesn't follow the fiancé whose partner of seven years just broke up with him because the girl bumped into another guy in the grocery store. Like its easy to leave someone you've been with for seven years. But no, she just bounces on to the next guy.


I watched a movie a few weeks ago with this same problem- The ENTIRE movie, this girl is trying to get her high school boyfriend to fall in love with her again. She succeeds. But then realizes, this other guy is actually the guy she wants. So she dumps the first guy. All of this happens within a span of..... ONE night. She kissed TWO guys in one night, with the same intensity, with the same feelings.


It makes me wonder if she's actually in love with either of them. Or perhaps, as we all may be, is she just in love with that feeling???


I think the reason why romance movies and novels sell is because deep down within every woman has this love for... love. We just love it. We love the thought of being romanced, kissed, held, chosen over another. We love the thought of dusty, robust cowboys or tall, dark, mysterious businessmen waltzing into our lives and saying, "YOU, my darling, are the one I want." Yet, is it that we truly become attached to that man as a person? Or do we become attached with the way he makes us feel?


My head is practically spinning. I think I'm confusing myself. Honestly, writing out that algebra problem made more sense to me than sorting out my feelings about romance. This is one of those moments when I am glad I am still single because if there were two of us trying to get into my head, there would be a problem.


On a personal level, I myself think  I am too attached to romance. I'll admit (don't you dare judge)- My heart flutters when I see Gil Blithe. Is it because I'm in love with him? No. Is it because I'm in love with romance... maybe...


I recently just read the book "The Help." I loved it. I loved it because it was about three women who dared to cross the lines, to put their lives in jeopardy, to come against the opposition of racial segregation. The book was engrossing and exciting. And it wasn't even a romance novel.


Sure, there was some romance in it. But it showed love for what it truly was. The guy she was with couldn't handle her. He couldn't support her. He didn't agree with her morals. And she accepted that and dealt with it. She didn't just hop from beau to beau. In the end, she didn't even end up with the slightest glimmer of hope for any relationship in the future (WHAT????) But she was happy. She did what was right. She didn't have family, friends, or arrays of men to support her. But she did the unthinkable.


That's what I want to do. But how am I going to do that if I spend all my single nights boo-hoo-ing in my bed cause I don't have no Mr. Darcy in my life to share his million-bajillion smackers a year? How am I going to make a difference if my butt is planted in front of the tv screen while I stuff my face with junk-food and lament at how Sandra Bullock always gets the good ones? If I can't peel my eyes off of John Travolta and his uber shnazzy dance moves for two seconds... yikes, I need to reevaluate my life.


I think its time for me to put down the spray cheese and Oreos and quit throwing myself a pity party by the fridge just because I don't have any guys to hop from so I can get my unrealistic romance needs fulfilled. I think its also time for me to stop using run on sentences, because my brain is running out of breath.


All in all, I think I need a new perspective on romance. I am not trying to belittle the wonder of love at all, I just think that our focus has become self-centered. Our commitments to one another are becoming less important and our feelings, more important. I'm not saying one should stick with somebody they don't have romantic feelings for. I just think that if you don't have romantic feelings for someone and you don't envision yourself spending the rest of your life with them, then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. If you have doubts about a relationship, instead of staying with them while keeping one eye open looking for someone new, then why waste his time and yours? I mean, its not going to kill you to be single for a while. Truly. I am not dead yet.


If there is one thing that you get out of this EXTREMELY long blog post (sorry, readers. When Dani gets on a roll, she can't stop), let it be that God has a more perfect romance planned out for you than you could ever, ever, ever imagine for yourself. For some of us, that romance will take place with our future spouse. Others, it may take the form of religious or single life. But no matter what our future vocations are, God wants to romance us, and he wants us to be romanced. There's a reason those longings are there. God put them there. God gave us the longing to be loved because He wants to love us.


So dear readers (if you've made it this far :) this Christmas season, if like me, you are tempted to indulge yourself in romantic Christmas comedies and listen to "Let it Snow" fifteen times in a row as you sulk underneath the mistletoe, remember that God is simply waiting to fill that need that you have in your heart for romance. And His love is a lot simpler than algebra.

Green-eyed Me

I am going to be honest. I struggle with jealousy. You know. The green-eyed monster. One of the seven deadly sins (or close to it). Oh dear.

My jealousy was rooted directly from my perfectionism. I have worked so hard to be perfect, yet it seemed as though any time someone else was rewarded, that it meant there was something wrong with me. So many times, I have felt utterly destroyed by another being chosen because it made me pick myself apart and constantly analyze why I was so much worse. 

I have been working constantly on this issue over the past six months. When others receive an honor I didn't or others are praised and my work left unmentioned, I have been working on being proud of them and rejoicing with them instead of wondering what it is about me that isn't good enough. So far, so good. The past few weeks, I have been digging to the root of my imperfection, and my confidence was slowly lifting. But now I've felt the ultimate test is coming.

It's funny how when you think you have something down, how a situation comes up where you have to reevaluate and rebuild everything you've been working towards. One single thing. And all the temptations to go back to the old way arise again.

Today, I asked God to keep me humble.

God answered me. And now, I don't know what to do with myself. Except call on him for His strength. Because I alone am not strong enough to overcome these feelings.

I feel them all flooding back, all the insecurities. I ask myself, was it all for nothing? Was my own time and efforts overlooked, unseen, not valued?

I feel like an underdog team. Like I worked and worked. I made it to the championship. And I lost. My emotions are jumping around. I should be happy for the other team, right? In reality, I can't see past all my wasted efforts, my time that I will never get back that was poured into something. But was it really worthless?

I don't think so.

My love still remains intact- Losing doesn't mean that my experience of training, sweating, working, crying, and repeating to get where I am today was for nothing. My experiences change me. I am not a lost cause because I am hurt. I am struggling with jealousy and anger, yes. But I am not giving into it. I will fight it with all I have, plus some. I know I will overcome this because God is with me.

I am tremendously hurt, yes. For no good reason? Potentially so. But I know that this experience of knowing that God saw everything that I desired and worked for, and He will reward me if no one else does. And that's all that matters.

He is still working on me. And He will continued to work on me until the day I die. But I will not give up. I will be happy for those who have reaped the benefits of recognition. I will be joyful amidst my hurt and I will look instead to invest in what I know will invest back into me.

Honestly, I don't know if this blog makes any sense, or even if anyone will read it. All I know is I had to get this off my chest. And I needed something to do with my hands instead of ripping or punching something as I bawled my eyes out.

God is using this as a cleansing. This is my ultimate test. I am going to struggle through it, but I will pass. God knows what I can handle- I'm going to be ok.

"You must, you must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, Strong enough
For the both of us"

Matthew West