New chapters

Honestly, there is rarely a time when I experience writer's block. Normally, I have a lot to say and it is natural for me to put into words what I feel in my heart. But as I try to encompass in my mind what this past year has been like, I am at a loss. There is so much there, yet so... little. It seems as though no time has passed, yet it also seems like 2014 has lasted for centuries. I look back on all the ways I have grown and see much improvement, yet still so much to be conquered in myself. I find myself glad that this year is coming to an end, and I'm ready to begin a new chapter of life.

Isn't that how it is at the start of a new year? Everyone is ready and willing to begin again and put their best foot forward to make the coming year better than the last one. For the past five years at least, that's been my goal: To have the best year of my life.

But this year is different because I'm looking at all my experiences throughout the year and wondering what defines "best"? Did I have more fun this year than ever before? No. I really didn't. In fact, my social life kind-of stunk. Did I end the year being in just as good of shape and looking just as good as the beginning of the year? Nada. Zero. In fact, it's the opposite. I started out the year playing two sports and working out in the gym, and now, I'm... well, not doing any of those things :) Did I have life-changing experiences? Kind-of. I mean I go to prom, Stuebenville, and on road trips every year. There's nothing really different about life, (MINUS having my nephew being born- the one and only exception to absolutely, wonderfully life-changing :)

So as I look back over the year, I am asking myself, "Did I have the best year ever?" Before, I would've thought that if I could count more exciting experiences that happened this year than the year before, it was a better year this year. But now, I'm thinking, "Why does having more excitement and more fun and more everything make something better?"

The truth of the matter is that 2014 was a hard year for me. I had to face a lot of things in myself I didn't like. I battled depression and anxiety. I grew closer to my family throughout the year, but it wasn't without hurt and tears. My social relationships lacked.

Part of the reason the year was so hard was because I was making changes (or trying to). I was detaching from unhealthy relationships where the year before I hadn't had enough to strength to do it. I started learning how to grow up when I got a job at the beginning of September and starting paying for some of my own stuff. I was also reevaluating my attitude, my outlook on life, and so many other things. I became a more contemplative, private person in 2014. So different from the loud, crazy, wild lady who was ready to conquer the world in 2013.

Thankfully, I still have that drive in me, its just very different. I'm learning to center it, to focus it. God wants to use that passion and love for risk for His Glory. Now I am just learning that I can be quiet and listen for His direction before jumping on a wild idea and riding it to kingdom come. I'm learning to ask. And trust. And WAIT. Which is hard. Especially when you have no clue where God is taking you. Just the other day, I was starting to stress out again that I hadn't heard from the Lord about what to do after CBC, and then I thought, "Hey! Why not think of this as one of those exciting surprises you always want instead of worrying about not knowing?" Perspective is powerful- Truly, what would be so bad about not knowing? I mean, even if He didn't tell me until the day school starts next semester, He would make a way. And it might involve me jumping on a plane and flying to Timbuktu to finish my degree as a Bone Regeneration Specialist. You never know :)

Because I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing for 2015, I have no big goals. Except one: Follow where the Lord leads. That's it. That's all I got. For the life of me, I have no idea where or what that is. But one day, when everything becomes clear, I know there will be a beautiful, amazing story that will be a testament to the beauty of trusting God for all things.

I'm not going to make any sentimental statements about how I hope that 2015 is better that 2014 or make a list of things I want to accomplish. All I know is that 2014 was good for me. Was it the best year ever? I don't know. All I know is that I survived another year. I laughed, I cried, I grew, I wilted, I fell, I rose, I learned, I lost, I loved, and I lived. And what could be better than that? It may not have been the 'best' year, but it was the best for me. It was what I needed.

I hope that as you all reminisce about the year and look forward to the coming season in your life, you feel the freshness of starting a new chapter of your life journey.

Wishing you all a happy New Year full of life, love, and freedom!

Thankful for life (and late night bowling)

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. Figures, since Thanksgiving was last weekend :) It's interesting how a time of thanks makes you realize how ungrateful you actually are.

I find it ironic how the day of meant for thanksgiving for what we have is now followed by a full out race to accumulate more stuff the day after. So yes, we sit down at dinnertime for the turkey and stuffing, and then take our leave to be the first in line for the "Pre-Black Friday Sales." I think this demonstrates perfectly the discontent of our culture. We're always wanting more.

 I wish I could say I was exempt from this mindset. Unfortunately, I have been plagued with the self-centered bug that makes people crave more than what they have.

I am very blessed, yet sometimes it seems as though all the blessings are hidden by discouragement from the hard things in life. But I don't want to live my life in the negative, focused on what could be better instead what is already great. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I was so concerned with accumulating more and rising to the top of the success list that I missed out on important relationships or hurt the ones I cared about.

I have been trying to make some attitude changes the past few weeks and thankfully (pun :), the Lord is helping me to become less focused on my wants and more focused on how He has provided for my every need.

I have decided that I will be grateful in every circumstance. I used to think that gratitude was "at least I'm not ______," but thankfulness is more than that. I think thankfulness is synonymous with joy. When you are joyful, you are thankful for the blessings, even the disguised ones, and you don't let a bad day hinder you from giving thanks to the Lord. And when you are thankful, you receive a joy in knowing that the Lord has provided for you.

The Lord has provided for me in so many ways. He has given me all that I need, plus more. So right now, I am going to list ten things I am thankful for.

1. My family. We are the weirdest people I know. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

I think Lizzy has been spending too much time at Petco :)

 

 

Typical moment. 

Lizzy does something dramatic. 

I am just like "Welcome to my world" :)

 

I will leave this photo to interpretation because I don't know how to explain what is going on.

I really don't know.

2. My friends. I literally have the best friends ever. I have had so many wonderful/wild experiences with my dear friends throughout the years. The most recent one being late night bowling (and playing hide-and-seek tag in Walmart). I had so much fun and I actually beat everyone the first game (which if you know me, you know I STINK at bowling. I will tell you, during game two, I got last place... I was just on a roll for a second :)

  

Having the time of our lives :)

 

 

Justin, Jake, Anthony, Connor, Me, Kim, and Maggie chilling out in the sketchy bowling ally.

3. My church. I LOVE my church SO much. I have grown so much spiritually, especially this year being a part of the Jr. Core team. Which leads me to...

4. Lifeteen. I've grown closer to God and closer to my fellow church members this year as a part of Lifeteen, and I'm so thankful for that! I've gotten to help lead worship and gave a testimony on modesty. I have so many great experiences, and the year isn't even halfway over!

 

MASS FITNESS! 

I actually got to lead ZUMBA on this night- I won't ever forget it!

 

Our costume/murder mystery night.

I am supposed to be Cinderella, but apparently, several people thought I was Snow White (why, I have no idea)

 

Our "Wedding Feast" Lifenight. 

I finally got another opportunity to wear my bridesmaid dress!

 

Chilling after our "Pro-life" issue night.

Me and Kim did a skit on abortion, while the boys did one on suicide. 

5. Cars. I am so thankful that I have a vehicle to get me where I need to go. I am also thankful because some people that are very dear to me live only a few hour car ride away. If we were making the trip in old west wagons... Not very efficient when you want a weekend visit!

6. Music. I love playing music and writing music and listening to music and everything about music. I feel so close to God when I am praising Him in song.

7. SNOW!! Not only do I get snow days, but I get to play outside with my siblings and get pelted in the tush with rock hard snowballs (true story!) 

 

8. Glasses. I don't know, just being able to see when a few hundred years ago, I would've been classified as blind is incredible. And contact lenses, so I can pretend I don't need glasses sometimes :)

9. Dancing. I should've put this closer to the top. I don't know what my life would be like could I not interpretive dance in my living room to Michael Buble. Life would not be the same!

10. Life in general. There are so many small things and big things and in between things that I am grateful for. And last....

11. God. I know I only said 10, but the very basis for my thankfulness and the reason why I can have joy is because of this One Guy. Named Jesus. Or Holy Spirit. Or Daddy-O in the sky. Whatever you prefer, my entire basis for praise and thanks is the fact that Christ paid the ultimate price for me sins. I can be joyful and loving because of Him. So Lord, I thank you for my life. I thank you that even though I've had a rough go, you still love me and you have a plan for me. And whether your plans for me are big, or small, I am thankful for what you have given me. May I always look to you as the source of my joy and gratitude.

 P.S. The late night bowling was a plus, so thanks for that too :)