Literally, the past three days since she's been gone, I feel like I needed her the most. Maybe I am just paranoid because I am in charge. Or maybe, in reality, I always need her this much, but I never realized it. I was so concerned with my independence that I forgot how nice it is to get the daily encouragement, constant reminders, and good advice.
On Thursday, after my mom left, I really started noticing myself making mistakes right and left. I believe in some instances, I rely on her too much. Sometimes I treat her as my conscience, like she should make all my decisions for me. In a way, I am using her so that I don't have to take responsibility for my actions. Yikes. That was a deep confession.
However, in other instances, I completely ignore her good advice because I want something badly. What I desire seems so much more appealing than listening to the wise counsel of my elders (not that my mom is old, lol :) My mom has always been there for me. But lately, I've been trying to find my own way, and kind of brushed her off as I tried things on my own.
No matter the circumstance, the answer is clear. I still need my mom in some areas. Ok, a lot of areas. Two days ago, I just wanted to talk to her about how I really messed up in the way I treated my brother. I was selfish and excluded him. I just wanted her to encourage me to apologize and learn from my mistake- and not do it again. Yesterday, I just wanted her advice on what to do when I was put in an uncomfortable position. Today, as I cried in the car for thirty minutes over the horribleness of my family situation, I just wanted my mommy to dry my tears, hold me, and remind me that God will take care of me, no matter what.
Literally, she hasn't even been gone that long, but I still miss her. And maybe its not just her physical presence I miss. My house feels so spiritually dry without my mom here. My mom is so strong in her faith that my house overflows with grace when she's here. And while she's gone, well. It just feels empty.
I know that it will all pass, and she'll be home on Tuesday. And I don't feel bad for missing her. In fact, I'm glad I miss her. That just means that we're becoming close friends again. And I didn't have the chance to realize how important and irreplaceable my momma is until I saw what life would be like without her.
"Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love [your mot]her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love [your mot]her when you let her go
And you let her go." Passenger
PS My sister Becky is gone too, and the house is just TOO quiet! I miss her bunking in my room every night too :( Everyone just please come home soon!
ReplyDeleteOh Dan! This was beautifully written. I can connect to this by how I completely depend on my mom. Both of our mothers are incredible! We for one obviously wouldn't be here without them nor could we be the women we are today. Love you deary! And your sweet Momma!
ReplyDeleteYou are sweet and your mom
ReplyDeleteis so blessed to have you for a daughter!