Learning lessons

Last week, I unintentionally learned a few things about myself.

1. I don't like talking in front of people. It's weird because I'm such an outgoing person, but there is something about addressing large groups of people that freaks me out. You'd never be able to tell because I hide it super well, but this week at VBS, I did everything in my power to say as little as possible on stage. I do like dancing and acting on stage, but

2. Nothing overwhelms me more than when I feel pressured. On the outside, I keep clear boundaries, but internally, I am afraid of messing up and being an outcast.

3. I really, really like working with children. I LOVED VBS and I connected so well with all the kids. I helped with some crews throughout the week, and I noticed how I always had an idea up my sleeve of an activity we could do or a way to make everybody listen. I think that's partially due to my big imagination (which isn't always a blessing, I might add :).

4. I like to take initiative.

5. When I'm around certain people (specifically, middle school boys), I have a tendency to speak my mind. In other social situations where I might feel more timid in being sassy, I find it easier to comment when it's growing boys who take delight in gross bodily functions and spitting in each others drinks.

6. I love children's movies. Just the other night, some friends and I watched "Tarzan" (best movie ever!) and it was awesome.


There is something else I realized about myself last week- how badly I needed to reconnect with my core group of friends. Last school year, I would see these people three to four times a week. But wedding planning and my emotional detachment had really separated me from the people I really cared about. I was depressed and didn't realize how much I needed to be social again. I felt tired and lonely and left out. Everything around me was changing (it still is) and I hated it.

A friend's birthday party two weeks ago brought us back together again. It felt so good to hang out just like old times. I really hoped that I could re-establish in our group, and thankfully, they welcomed me right back :) The next day I went to "Cool Desert Night" with some of them, and the next day we all played basketball at my house for my sister's grad party.

Last night, some of these same friends came over to hang out at my house. And it was then that I also remembered how good it was to worship together. We haven't had band practice in months, but Friday night we sat around the fire pit with Jacob on the kahone and Eric on the guitar and everyone together praising God.

 

Jacob, Eric, and me worshiping Friday night

 

James, Ryan, and Lizzy singing together :)

In Matthew 18:20 it says, "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them." This passage shows how vital it is in a Christian community to have fellowship in Christ. I am so grateful that God provided me with the fellowship I needed last week- through both VBS and the small gathering on Friday night. I realized this week that am so much stronger when I am standing with others than when I'm standing by myself.

"I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together, we can do great things." Mother Teresa

Ready for bed

Zero hours. That's how much sleep I got last night. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

To all my friend's who know my sleep patterns: I know you're shocked. See, I sleep anywhere from six to twelve hours a night. At sleepovers, I am the one to crawl in bed while the others are sharing deep, dark secrets. I need my sleep, and though it may take me a while to get to bed, it takes me way longer to get out of bed. I could sleep all day. But I guess sleeping at NIGHT is a different story.

Last night, I climbed in bed around 11:00, calculating that I would have eight and a half hours rest before VBS started the next morning. For a while, I just laid there, not really thinking about anything, just waiting for sleep to seize me. Soon I realized that I need to see Mrs. Murphy (Cheaper by the Dozen, anyone?) so I got up and checked the time on my way out. Expecting it to be 1:00 or so in the morning, I just about fell over when I saw that it was actually 4:30. In the morning. How I could've laid there for five hours without being bored out of my mind is beyond me, but I know that I had not fallen asleep when I got up to use the bathroom.

Needless to say, I tried everything in my power to catch a wink because I knew I had VBS in the morning. I kept telling myself, "If you fall asleep right now, you will get three hours of sleep," then "two hours of sleep," then "one hour of sleep." Finally, after many tears, getting in Mom's bed, frantic prayers, drinking sleeping tea, getting in Lizzy's bed, frantic prayers, getting in Becky's bed, and turning on soothing music, I gave up. Sad, but true. No sleep for me.

Oddly enough, I was full of energy for VBS. I had told God earlier in the morning that I knew I wouldn't make it if He didn't strengthen me. I begged Him for enough energy to dance and sing on the stage without dozing off, and honestly, He did it. Ironic how our VBS theme is all about standing strong with God through challenges. I guess my life is more of a testimony this week than I realized!

The exhaustion is starting to get to me, so I'm going to sign off before I fall asleep and start writing in my sleep (that would be entertaining, but it wouldn't make sense and would probably somehwhat resemble my wacky dreams.) Off to take my power nap. Hoping I can sleep this time...

"If you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep. And you'll fall asleep, counting your blessings." Irving Berlin

Re-adjusting

Okay I feel really bad. One whole month without a blogpost. I'm sure many of you assumed I'd abandoned ship and given up the whole blogging thing altogether. But thankfully, I was just taking a break. A really, really long break. But here I am once again, ready to put my thought on paper (or keypads, if you will). Guaranteed, I realize that no one may be reading my thoughts anymore because of the rather long break, but what the heck. "If my moo just changes one life..." Okay now I'm sure I've lost all my readers. It's a Tim Hawkins thing, okay? Geez...

On a more serious note, I haven't blogged recently because there has been so much going on the past month. For one thing, my oldest sister got MARRIED! It's crazy because all of the sudden, you realize how grown up you really are. This wedding was REAL. It wasn't a game this time, like all the weddings we pretended to have as kids. 

The most difficult thing for me in the past weeks was how much the "sister bond" had changed. Stephanie, Elizabeth, and I were closer than close growing up. We spent youthful days dancing the chicken dance, doing fashion shows, and exercising our thespian skills through plays and videos. Even before I was old enough to be a big sis, my big sister's were my bestest friends.

  

Lizzy, Steph, and I basking in the sun. I guess this is something

we never grew out of... A few days before the wedding, us girls

went tanning together- for old time's sake :-) Actually, it's

because we wanted a tan, but whatever.

As we got older (and more interested in talking to each other instead of filming each other), Lizzy and I would always squish into Steph's bed late in the night. We would laugh ourselves silly, do Mr. Bean impersonations, cry in each others arms, and share our hearts. One thing that I will always appreciate about my sisters is that they get it. I remember that no one could understand what I was going through better than my sisters. The heartbreak over that boy? They understood it. The betrayal of that friend? They knew how it felt. The problems haunting our family life? They lived through them too. I could confide in them, and they brought me the validation I needed by listening to me. 

Obviously, things are different now. Stephanie's bed is a little crowded now, and I assume she'll be doing Mr. Bean impersonations with Philip into the night instead of us girls. And as many of you know, Lizzy is moving to Montana come August, so my room will be deprived of our nightly sleepovers. Sometimes I can't bear the thought of how different my life is going to be without my sisters by my side.

 

The sisters at Stephanie's going away party. *Sigh* 

I'm going to miss you guys! I guess it's just you and me, Becky!

I've struggled with feelings of being left behind. It is such a sad feeling to watch my two best friends move into a different stage of life... without me. They are fulfilling the great plans they were made for. I'm so happy for them, but I also am scared to death. I am going to be the oldest and it's freaking me out. For so many years, I've had my three older siblings to look up to. Now it's my turn to be "big sis" and I feel totally unprepared!

Thankfully, my older siblings have done a great job of figuring out how to do things for me. I've examined all of the choices they've made and determined the path I'd like to take. Thank you Brandon, Stephanie, and Elizabeth for being people I can look up to and trust. You've been wonderful examples to me, and even when you weren't being a good example, you realized it, admitted it, and chose the better path instead. Being a good example isn't making perfect choices every time- it's how you react after you make a bad choice. You've shown me how to do it, guys, and I'm so thankful! Jacob and Becky- oh boy... I hope you have a lot of mercy, because I am flying off the seat of my pants here!

 

My AWESOME siblings that I love. One thing I love about this picture (besides

the fact that it's amazing) is how everyone's personality is evident.

Brandon: The "More Cowbell" shirt says it all. He is so entertaining.

Stephanie: She's always been the sweet one.

Lizzy: Oh dear... Troublemaker should've been her middle name.

Me: If you didn't notice, my finger is totally pointed the wrong way. I am the

"different" one :) 

Jacob: Obviously not excited to get his picture taken... he's the active one.

Becky: She's just cute!

I think I can speak on behalf of all of my siblings when I say this: Mom, you are the best. Thanks so much for raising us to be who we are today. We love you!

I am so thankful to God for giving me the wonderful family I have. I trust my siblings so much- they know me so well sometimes it scares me. How many times have they shown me something about myself that I didn't know (I may not have wanted to know, but they told me anyways :)? They've loved me through thick and thin- and they've forgiven me a lot (even when I ate their baseball seeds without asking :) I love my family and it makes me sad to know that we are all parting ways. But thankfully, family is family. We'll always have memories, inside jokes, and a special family bond to each other. I love you all! Thanks for loving me too. 

"We are afraid that if people really knew us they wouldn’t love us…. And although we are afraid to reveal ourselves becasue of the possibility of rejection, it is only by revealing ourselves that we will ever open the possibility of truly being loved." Matthew Kelly