Green-eyed Me

I am going to be honest. I struggle with jealousy. You know. The green-eyed monster. One of the seven deadly sins (or close to it). Oh dear.

My jealousy was rooted directly from my perfectionism. I have worked so hard to be perfect, yet it seemed as though any time someone else was rewarded, that it meant there was something wrong with me. So many times, I have felt utterly destroyed by another being chosen because it made me pick myself apart and constantly analyze why I was so much worse. 

I have been working constantly on this issue over the past six months. When others receive an honor I didn't or others are praised and my work left unmentioned, I have been working on being proud of them and rejoicing with them instead of wondering what it is about me that isn't good enough. So far, so good. The past few weeks, I have been digging to the root of my imperfection, and my confidence was slowly lifting. But now I've felt the ultimate test is coming.

It's funny how when you think you have something down, how a situation comes up where you have to reevaluate and rebuild everything you've been working towards. One single thing. And all the temptations to go back to the old way arise again.

Today, I asked God to keep me humble.

God answered me. And now, I don't know what to do with myself. Except call on him for His strength. Because I alone am not strong enough to overcome these feelings.

I feel them all flooding back, all the insecurities. I ask myself, was it all for nothing? Was my own time and efforts overlooked, unseen, not valued?

I feel like an underdog team. Like I worked and worked. I made it to the championship. And I lost. My emotions are jumping around. I should be happy for the other team, right? In reality, I can't see past all my wasted efforts, my time that I will never get back that was poured into something. But was it really worthless?

I don't think so.

My love still remains intact- Losing doesn't mean that my experience of training, sweating, working, crying, and repeating to get where I am today was for nothing. My experiences change me. I am not a lost cause because I am hurt. I am struggling with jealousy and anger, yes. But I am not giving into it. I will fight it with all I have, plus some. I know I will overcome this because God is with me.

I am tremendously hurt, yes. For no good reason? Potentially so. But I know that this experience of knowing that God saw everything that I desired and worked for, and He will reward me if no one else does. And that's all that matters.

He is still working on me. And He will continued to work on me until the day I die. But I will not give up. I will be happy for those who have reaped the benefits of recognition. I will be joyful amidst my hurt and I will look instead to invest in what I know will invest back into me.

Honestly, I don't know if this blog makes any sense, or even if anyone will read it. All I know is I had to get this off my chest. And I needed something to do with my hands instead of ripping or punching something as I bawled my eyes out.

God is using this as a cleansing. This is my ultimate test. I am going to struggle through it, but I will pass. God knows what I can handle- I'm going to be ok.

"You must, you must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, Strong enough
For the both of us"

Matthew West