Write a psalm

Tonight at youth group, each individual wrote their own psalm. It was a form of prayer, they told us. Even if you're not poetic, they said, write one anways.

I am poetic, contrary to what you may think. I write songs, which are poems to music, in essence. I love to recite eloquent words with passion. Whenever I have to say my verse for volleyball, I say it with meaning and purpose. I speak from the heart.

I understand that people rarely see my soft side; the side that mourns over convicts in prison, the part of me that yearns to reach to starving children in third world countries. If I told of my dreams, many would laugh. How could a girl with such nice clothes and styled hair want to be a missionary? Who would believe me?

No, that part of me is usually locked away, deep inside. Because what would people think if they truly saw my heart? The beautiful part of my heart. If they saw it, they would try to ruin it. Because watching those nasty movies is really fun, you see. You'll like the haunted corn maze with the zombies and demons lurking. You'll want to dance to the raunchy music. But I will not be persuaded. The person they are really trying to convince is themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if that part of me exists anymore. But I know, deep inside me, it's still there. It may be hiding in the dark, afraid to reveal itself, afraid to be vulnerable. It may be masked with insecurities, fearful to be sold-out for Jesus. Afraid to love. Because love opens the heart to pain.

I have loved, and I have lost. I have given myself and been abandoned. I have been a friend and been betrayed. I have offered a second chance and been taken for granted. I have shared what I own and been taken advantage of. I have loved, and have not been loved back. 

My pain is disguised as anger. I am always on the lookout for enemies, because anything with beauty has predators looking to destroy it. I am "strong," to show that I will not be a doormat. But in reality, my strength is my weakness. The beauty I posses is masked by my fear, my fear of love, my fear of loneliness, my fear of innocence.

 The world sees innocence and tries to defile it. The culture sees beauty and attempts to thwart it. People see love, and they choose to hate instead. I have been defiled, thwarted, and hated. And I in turn have defiled, thwarted, and hated.

Innocence is beautiful. It is lovely, but I am afraid of it. I am afraid because I will be a target. I will be seen as "inexperienced," and "sheltered." I will be old-fashioned and conservative. I will be a "homeschooled kid who doesn't know a thing about reality."

Is it worth it?

Yes. Because I do know about reality. I have experienced it. And I have seen enough of the world to decide I don't want it.

I want to be a poet. I want to express my true beliefs- with love. I want my heart to be open to pain, because then I will have the courage to feel.

I want to write a psalm.

Psalm 139

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Get that song off repeat!

I feel sometimes like my life is a song.

Monday was definitely a "Miracles Happen" day (those of you who have seen Princess Diaries know what I'm talking about). I realized halfway through the day at school that my carpool and I had forgotten to place our carpool permits in the dash of my car (translation: $50 ticket). Of course, I was on my way to my last class- across campus- so there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was hope and pray that the inspector was somehow oblivious to the fact that we were parked in a carpool spot without permits, but internally, I knew it was a slim chance. Turns out the improbable became the verdit- no parking ticket for me! Thank God!

Other days, as I mentioned in my last blog post, resemble more "Ordinary Day" by ZOEgirl. The song says: "Things are crazy but it's all right. You make me feel alright again. When it rains you are the sunshine.That lights me up from deep with in."

Today isn't either one of those days: Unfortunately, today is.... the song that never ends.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the song, it goes like this: "This is the song that never ends. It goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now we can't stop singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends. It goes on and on...." And on and on and gets really annoying.

Days like this seem like a skipping record. I always feel a little bit like, "I'm pretty sure I've already been through this before."

So, you may ask. What exactly makes today the never-ending song?

I got in trouble. Again. Grounded. Uh-huh. That's right. AGAIN. And after 112 times of listening to "The song that never ends" I am sooo ready for it to stop.


I should like to insert here that the episodes which result in my grouchiness often happen when I am in one of two situations: 1) When I am under high stress situations where my brain is overloaded (e.g. first week of school) and 2) A few days before I experience that monthly phenomenon that knocks me in the gut. Literally. (e.g. today).

I suppose I am insane. Because, yes, I do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. But woe is me, no different result ever shows. I need therapy.

I guess the only way to stop getting in trouble is to shape up my attitude. Or learn better stress and anger management. Or all of the above.

The point is that I can make that record stop skipping at any time. I need to quit pressing "Random play" and letting my emotions dictate my behavior. I can calmly walk over to my internal stereo and press the skip button. Next song, please.

I can move on. My headaches, my emotions, my fears, my stress, my insecurities- none if it is too big for God. I need to remember that He is strong enough to overcome all the things I can't. Sometimes I literally cannot be kind. I don't have enough strength for it. But God does. And that is why Jesus lives inside me- to help me live a life that is truly worth singing about.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13 

College Kid

I am a college student now.

It feels really weird- I'm trying to figure out when exactly I became mature enough for this. I don't know that I am yet. I think perhaps this whole "Running Start" business is supposed to help me mature. I think.

My mom was concerned about me starting this year. She didn't know if I was ready. And honestly, after the first week of school, I wondered if she was right. My head hurt, I just wanted to sleep, and I was rude to my family. And I started calling myself the bad names that I'd heard my professors use (and some that I learned on my own. Or maybe from "The King's Speech") It was pretty not pretty.

The stress was just through the roof. I felt so much pressure for no reason. I am scared to death of being a failure, and what do you know? Things started failing for me when I let the negative patterns take over, which of course kept the vicious cycle going, and so on.

But thankfully, my priorities have been straightened out. Thank you, Mom, for your prayers in Seattle :) This weekend has been so relaxing for me. I actually had time to do a blog post, which is saying something.

One thing I realized about college: It's not my life. It's not my God. It's a tool to help me learn. And I am learning so much, specifically in my Psychology class. It makes me rethink my decision not to become a clinical counselor- I could so see myself doing psychology as a living.

This next week, I am working really hard on keeping my focus where it needs to be. I shouldn't be dreaming about volleyball during speech class. I shouldn't be thinking about school (or *clearing throat* boys) during daily Mass. And I probably shouldn't be doing a blog post when I should be reading "Utopia" for English class. Oh dear. I have quite a ways to go.  

I miss my Lizzy

Last week, we dropped off Elizabeth in Helena, Montana. Yep, the time has come. Lizzy is now an official Reach Youth Ministries team member. Gone are the days of youthful bliss- the days that require maturity and patience have come.

The crazy thing is that Lizzy is an adult now- she is capable of fending for 9 months by herself. As much as I hate to admit it, she is probably managing just fine without my reminding her every five seconds to pick up her stuff. I imagine her ears are no longer ringing from my incessant questions. I have to admit, I am the perfect stereotype of a "little sister": helplessly annoying yet loved dearly (at least I think loved dearly ;)

 

I feel like this picture sums up our relationship well:

I look like I just did something really stupid, and Lizzy is just

looking at me like, "Please tell me you did NOT just do that" ;)

But seriously, I am the older sister now. I am the oldest. I can do this (actually, I am just saying that to make myself feel better. I really don't know if I can do this).

The fact of the matter is, I miss being the younger sister. To be blunt, I miss Lizzy. Yeah, I was jealous of her. A lot. And I was kind-of a brat to her. A lot. But she was a good older sister. She encouraged me and critiqued me and helped me become a better person. She taught me to work hard- she never went easy on me. She didn't even let me win checkers.

 Life has just seemed a little more lonely without Lizzy here. It was bad enough when Stephanie left us, but now the emptiness just seems like a little too much. Actually, I tried sleeping in my own bed after Lizzy left, but for some reason I hardly got a wink of sleep. The next night, again, I tried to sleep in my room, but I just couldn't sleep peacefully. I then realized that I just don't think I can sleep in my room alone. For years, I've begged for my own room, but now I see how lonely and tiresome it is not to have somebody to chat with into the night. Both my old "roomates" have moved out, and now I'm laying here wondering how the heck I'm supposed to sleep by myself. Impossible.

I hope I can sleep tonight- hopefully I'll feel better after lamenting, my bowl of ice cream in tow. But ice cream can't heal a broken heart; it will only make me fat, and then Lizzy and I won't be able to share clothes when she does come back. I guess there is still hope for the future- 9 months isn't forever. But it's long enough for me to be able to truly appreciate who she is and what she brought to our family- something I should've done long ago.

"They say you never know what you've got til it's gone." Tobymac

Thanks, but I'll pass next time...

I passed out today, people. For the first time ever, and hopefully, the last time ever.

First off, I would like to say that fainting is not glamorous, as some romance movies would have us believe. Maybe it's because I actually fell onto the ground instead of into Mr. Perfect's arms (because, of course, he is always there at the exact moment needed). I didn't wake up to a robust man stroking my hair and pleading for me to wake up because he desperately needed me in his life.


Nope, I woke up with a headache. And with my younger siblings standing over me asking, "Dani, are you dead?"

Passing out isn't at glorious as I first thought. I've practiced all sorts of falls for acting, so the real thing shouldn't hurt that bad, right? Wrong. It hurts. It's traumatizing (I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom sobbing afterwords). And if I had the choice, I would never do it again. Not even into Mr. Perfect's arms. Nothing doing.

I guess I don't really have the choice though. I mean honestly, I wasn't planning on fainting today.

I didn't think walking from the sink to the couch was going to knock me flat on my face. I was terribly dizzy, and my only thought was to get to the couch. But unfortunately, I only made it halfway before I "fell asleep" and started thinking all these weird, random thoughts. I woke up with a blasting headache- It turns out the side of my glasses nailed the side of my head and went flying off my face (but thank God they didn't break). 

Passing out was more than painful- it was scary. My brother fainted in a doctor's office and needed emergency brain surgery because of it. I could've been hurt very badly. What if I'd been on my way down the stairs? What if I'd have hit my head on the door frame or fridge (which could've happened)? But instead, my head fell onto my volleyball bag filled with exercise clothes. It was like a perfect little pillow set up just for me. I have a feeling there was some divine intervention going on there! And I am so grateful to God for the way He protected me.  

Anyways, I hope none of you ever have to face the trauma of passing out. And if you do, I pray you've got a strong, handsome man behind to catch you!

The way to my heart is through my... elliptical machine?!?

The other day, my two guy friends came over to help me clean out our shop. It was quite an adventure- sweeping up cobwebs and killing spiders, taking the back door off of our house to move the treadmill out to the shop... Their muscles proved handy in more than one instance though :)

As Jacob and Eric moved our elliptical machine across the lawn to the shop, I realized how awesome it would be to have somebody on the elliptical while they carried it. I mentally added this to my ever-expanding bucket list and briefly mentioned it to the guys (I think you know where I am going with this :) Of course (them being the wonderful, awesome, muscle men they are :) they told me they'd do it right then. I'm sure it was craziest thing my neighbors have seen me do yet, but I've never been so happy to look so ridiculous...

I am totally cracking up as I look at this...

I can't believe they actually walked with me on this.

I can't believe I had the guts.  

 

Sometimes my life is a nightmare, sometimes it's beautiful. Other times, it's just plain wacky! But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love who I am and love those who are a part of my adventure. Whether I'm being carried like a queen by the guys or crying alone in my room, I know I am loved. I don't have to pretend- yeah, sometimes, I can be an idiot. Sometimes I can be a brat. And sometimes I can be really fun. But it doesn't matter- I know God loves me, and I don't have to hide my true self. This realization has given me strength to do some of the coolest, scariest, and best experiences of my life. And there is never a dull moment!

Best. Weekend. Ever.

If you would have asked me two weeks ago whether I was excited to go to the Stuebenville Northwest conference with my church, I would've hesitated to reply. Earlier in the year, I had felt the call to go and signed up. But the weeks leading up to the conference were full of confusion, disappointment, and doubt. As the day drew closer, I felt an obligation to follow through with my commitment to attend the conference because everything was already paid for through my fundraising, and wise counsel of mine advised me to go. It was a tough go around, especially since I had to give up a trip to Tennessee as well as forfeit any hopes of going on a different trip with my friends.

Honestly, I had a pretty sour attitude about the whole ordeal. But after having the worst grounding of my life (it only lasted about 2 days, but it was the worst ever), I realized I would rather make the most out of my situation then sit, pout, and be miserable for 4 days.

Funny how God knows exactly what you need when you need it. Even when you don't think you need it.

Our youth group teamed up with two other churches, one from Grants Pass Oregon and the other from St. Joe's in Kennewick. We loaded onto a bus and headed over to Idaho to Silverwood Theme Park for a day of fun before the spiritual aspect of the weekend began.

 

Holy Spirit youth group outside Silverwood

If you can't find me, I'm the one crouching behind the woman in blue aka

BEST youth leader ever. I love you Jen! 

When it was time to get started, I headed straight to the coasters (my favorites!) It turns out that the gal I rode with on the first ride, Tremors, wasn't quite so fond of roller coasters as I am :)

 

Annie and I waiting to load Tremors... Annie was freaking out before we buckled up,

but she was so brave and conquered her fears...

 

This picture is priceless!

Way to go, Annie :) 

 

The rest of the day consisted of more roller coasters (including my favorite, the Aftershock :), epic water slides, and kiddie parachute rides (yes, I did ride that one. I have a picture to prove it!). It turned out to be a pretty good day considering my previous disposition about the whole thing. Little did I know that was the icing of the cake for my whole weekend...

We spent the night in a gym, where I got the eqivilent of about two hours of sleep. That floor was hard! The next afternoon, we headed to Spokane, Washington to finish out the weekend.

 

A few of us in front of our beautiful little bus, with no air-conditioning and busted speakers :)

 

We found these metal running statues while we were hanging out

in Spokane by the mall. There's me, the one keeled over and

dying. Yep, that's pretty accurate :)

 

 

At the conference center after checking into the Gonzaga dorms, waiting to be let into the theater.

Yes, that is me sprawled out in the middle of the floor.

 

The Stuebenville kids packed into the theater. There were about

1,200 of us!

I wish I could put into words what happened to me when I walked though the doors of that conference. I cried more tears, felt more peace, and experienced more love during this conference than I ever have before. I was stirred so deeply inside. I felt God's presence so strongly. The worship was intense, the speakers were gripping, and the Spirit was so thick. And adoration? Unexplainable. Three and a half hours of adoring Christ in the Eucharist. I cried the entire time. Jesus poured out His great love. He poured out His great love on me. And I will never, ever be the same.

For the first time in my life, I was following Christ because I wanted to. My whole life, I obeyed God because it was what I should do. But during the course of the weekend, I realized that I shouldn't obey the law because I ought to. I should LOVE Christ with everything in me, and following the law will just happen. And for the first time ever, I am obeying God because He is the Love of my life and I am following Him, not just because it's my duty as a Christian.  I am motivated by Love. And it is the most freeing thing I have ever experienced. I feel a drive to be good, not so God will love me, but because I love Him!

Not only was the trip AMAZING spiritually, but it was a great experience in general. I got to bond with my youth group in a way I haven't before. We played games together, ate together, explored together. I made new friendships and refreshed old friendships. I loved my dorm roomies, and my small group was so personal and intimate. And I got to ride on a stinking school bus! It wasn't the most comfortable thing I've ever done, but a girl's gotta do it at least once in her life! There were dance parties in the back, snacks everywhere, some great fellowship, and some even greater pranks :). *sigh* I love road trips!

 

The Holy Spirit Youth portion of the bus :)

Good times...

I shudder to think of what I would've missed out on had I been a prideful snot and canceled my plans to come to this conference. I am a new woman. I am renewed in Christ. His Holy Spirit dwells in me to give me strength. And I'm going to need it.

I am changed. Jesus is first in my life. I am different than I was a week ago. Majorly. And I understand that this may mean an end to some of my friendships. It is so hard, but I know that God will help me through this. My life cannot stay the same after what I have experienced. What prisoner after being freed from slavery goes back to it's master? I was a slave to sin- gossip, drama, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness. But I have been redeemed. My Savior is guiding me, helping me when I fall, and giving me strength.

Lord, the Creator of the Universe, Creator of my soul, Love of my life- I hand to you, Sweet Jesus, every friendship that I hold dear to my heart. You've changed me for the better, Lord, and I will give up any sinful patterns for Your Name's sake, Jesus. Even if it means leaving the ones I love the most. I pray for Your strength to overcome me and all those from the Stuebenville conference. Help us to grow in You everyday and remember how much You love and cherish Your children. Touch our hearts everyday, and give us a renewed vigor to walk in Your ways always. Even when it hurts. In Jesus' Holy name, Amen.

"Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

"Then hear from heaven and forgive the sin of your servants, your people Israel. Teach them the right way to live, and send rain on the land you gave your people for an inheritance." 1 Kings 8:36