Love's Spotlight

True love. I used to think true love only existed when there was a white steed and a handsome fellow involved. However, now I'm finding that "True Love" and "Happily Ever After" are not synonymous. Not in the slightest.

Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it's in the moments when you think you've been abandoned and forgotten that you find a depth of love you never would've know before. It is in heartache and suffering that our hearts become vulnerable. And open.

For the past several months, my sister Elizabeth and I have been planning on auditioning for the musical "Little Women" together. Little Women has been very close to the hearts of the Andersen sisters. The depth of the closeness resonated with me and my sisters. We were always there for one another growing up, supporting each other in our dreams, yet sometimes accepting that one's dream may be a painful separation from the bond of love between us.

I hoped with my deepest heart that my sister and I would be able to share the memory of acting as sisters in this play together. Elizabeth and I have had a harder relationship than I had with my other sisters. Like Jo and Amy, the two of us took our turns burning each other's stories and stealing each other's opportunities. Like Jo, Elizabeth was full of passion and talent and emotion, destined for great things. And in a way, I was just like Amy- complaining about my nose, wishing I could have what she had, and trying to steal the attention.

Lizzy and I have been working out our issues for the last two years since she left for Montana. I have been learning that I don't have to try to outshine her, that's its okay for me to be me without constantly try to be as amazing as her. And just because I'm not as good as her doesn't mean that I suck. I am talented in my own way- God has gifted us differently because He's called us to different things.

I thought that this production of "Little Woman" was going to be the final seal that solidified our relationship. I had been working on my confidance and I had put all of the times I had fallen short to my sis behind me. I thought I was opening a new chapter.

I was nervous about auditioning, but I felt peace about it. I prayed a lot about it, and I just knew things were going to work out. I'd hoped to get a lead, but I told the Lord as long as I didn't have to be a hag, I was ok.

Lizzy and I auditioned together. I was so nervous, but I placed it into the Lord's hands. The next morning, both my sister and I had received callbacks! She'd been called back for Marmae, Meg, and Jo, and I'd been called back for Beth and Jo.

I practiced my lines and my songs and I continued to pray. But I was unsettled. I was afraid. I was afraid because I wanted to be in this play with my sister. I wanted it bad. And I didn't know if I was good enough. I tried as hard as I could not to fall back into the old mindsets, but the thoughts kept nagging me. I cried all the way to the callback that night.

I acted and sang for the two hours that night. I couldn't get my mind off of it, even after I'd gone home I knew Elizabeth would get a lead, but neither her nor I knew what my fate would be. That night, I woke up at 2am wet from sweat. I could hardly sleep the rest of the night. The next afternoon, I waited and waited and waited for the cast list to be posted.

Finally, my mom prayed, "Lord, could you please get this over with so that if there is a breakdown, I can be here." Little did she know.

When the list was posted, at the top was the name "Elizabeth Andersen- Jo March." My name was nowhere in sight. I scrolled down and searched desparately for my name. And I found it. Under "Lead Hag."

I cried literally all day long. Hours and hours, I cried. And not just a few tears. I wept. I locked myself away and wailed. No words can describe what I felt. No words. It wasn't just about me not getting the part- the depths of my heart were shaken. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt all of my childhood feelings of being worthless, overlooked, and unimportant over again. But something happened during my breakdown that shook me more than anything else that happened that day.

As I quieted myself for a moment in between sobs, I heard weeping coming from another source. My sister, retreated to her own bedroom below me, was weeping too. Her heart broke for me. She wanted just as badly for me to be a sister in this play with her. She knew how badly I was hurting, and she hurt with me. She and my mom cried with me, at the awfulness of getting the only part I begged God not to get.

Yet something about this experience opened my heart in a new way.  I felt a closeness to love that I had never felt before. My heart, usually private and locked away for fear of pain, was out in the open. Nothing but a depth of pain could ever cause me to feel a heart of flesh come alive. I had a cold, unfeeling heart for a long time. Maybe extreme pain was the only way for me to truly come alive. I guess God never gives us anything we can't handle, huh?

I'm still a little shaken up about the whole thing, but I've learned a few things already (even though this just happened yesterday). One, God loves the hag just as much as He loves the talented, beautiful person. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. Two, God's plan for my life is different than Elizabeth's. My whole life, I wanted to fit her mold. I coveted the path God was leading her- He has called her to be in the spotlight because that's where she is reaching people. And for most of my life, I was mad because He was calling me to be a backstage worker. But anyone who's worked in theatre knows that being backstage is no small thing. It's a small thing to the audience and most people don't ever notice or recognize all the work put on by those behind the scenes. And I have to realize that not being center-stage is okay.

I've also learned that true love isn't just something that happens when you find your soul-mate. True love isn't just for those who have a Valentine today. True love is being a mother who sacrifices everything for her children. True love is being a sister who shares, listens, cares, and forgives many faults (all of my sisters have done this for me, I can assure you!). True love is being a brother (or brother-in-law) who demonstrates what a godly man looks like and encourages his sisters to hold out for a man of honor. True love is being a man who puts aside his own selfishness to protect the dignity of women. True love is being far apart, yet close in spirit. True love can hurt sometimes, but true love is also the only thing that can heal. That's because true love is God. God is love. God is true love. When we know God, we know love.

And I'm starting to know Love in a whole new way. Happy Valentine's Day everyone :)


*Lizzy- You are going to make the best Jo March there ever was! You deserve this- you have been working so hard. This is your big break! I'm so, so, so proud of you and I love you a lot.*

Love is not proud, love does not boast
Love after all matters the most
Love does not run, love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside

Love is a river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain, love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
And love will protect, love always hopes
And love still believes when you don't

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this, greater than this

'Cause love is right here, love is alive
Love is the way, the truth, the life
Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you

And love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

-Brandon Heath